I really like Pinterest. And FYI, I liked it way before all of you. I liked it back when I had to explain what it was to everyone.  To me, Pinterest is a really handy place to keep track of all the cool/yummy/pretty things on the internet that I had previously been tucking into messy folders all over my desktop.  But now I can keep it organized in a nice, easy way. That, as far as I’m concerned, is the end of the story.  But shortly after I started pinning things I got a notification that a girl I barely knew was now following my boards. She could look at everything I had pinned.  Although it seems like I will share anything and that I have no idea when something is TMI, I only like to share things on my terms.  The fact that anyone can subscribe to my Pinterest boards is, to me, the same thing as people looking through my drawers and rifling through my closet.

I pretty much hate it.

There’s no way to turn it off. At least not that I’ve found.

I mean, it’s one thing to admire some of the cute houses I’ve pinned. But then you might run across the board that is full of tacky, garish nail polish designs that my daughters beg me to do.  And you would think, “who is this person? What kind of weird stuff is she into? She has really bad taste.”

Maybe some people just use Pinterest as a way to brag about how they find cute pictures on the internet. And I guess they like the world to know.

But I do not. And Pinterest does not get it.

So, no, I will not be linking to my Pinterest account from this blog. But I will leave you with this really pretty picture that I have on one of my boards. See, I do have good taste after all.

 

 

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I have been the mother of nine this week. My sister, Arianne, went with her husband on a 10-year-anniversary trip to Mexico and stopped in Austin to drop her kids off on the way.  So I have been raising another 5 and 6 year-old. Some of whom are a little more . . . opinionated and belligerant than I am used to.  I also have an 8 month-old baby.  She is sweet as sugar but ohmygosh I forgot babies are so constant. And needy. And poopy.  I am getting nothing done.  Plus, baby Pippa has been sleeping in my closet (I have a very large closet) which means if I forget to get my clothes out the night before I must wait to get changed until she gets up.  Not that it matters because I have left the house exactly twice since they got here last Friday.  And neither time was for a romantic Valentine’s getaway. (Valentine’s was a non-event this year.)

I ventured out to the store-that-shall-not-be-named yesterday because I needed Fels Naptha soap and Huggies and that’s the only store that sells both.  I had on a sloppy sweatshirt and crocs. And no makeup and a two day old ponytail.  It was like I’d taken a time machine back to the days when I had two babies and simply couldn’t get my act together.  But unlike 1997, I didn’t feel bad or apologetic about my appearance. Because I’m living the nine kids reality right now and if that’s not an excuse to let yourself go, I don’t know what is.

My sister gets home some time today. I forgot to ask her when. As I was giving her daughter, Daphne, yet another scolding yesterday (“Daphne, I told that you’d get a time out if you slammed the door!”  “But I was slamming the closet door. You said I’d get a time out if I slammed the bedroom door.”), she sobbed, “I wish my mom were here!”

Me too, Daphne. Probably more that you.

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May it be pink and heart-y and full of sugar.

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The first year I had a child in preschool I committed all sorts of faux pas (hey, pick up and drop off can be tricky!)   There are sorts of opportunities to screw things up especially around holidays.  I didn’t even think to ask my friends with older children for advice! But let Mother Jennie help you out a little. Here are some Valentine’s suggestions that I’ve found to be true in the six schools we’ve attended in three states.

Even in preschool you can’t show up with just a card (unless that is your school’s rule). Some kids do, of course, but they’re probably first-timers or they live with their dad. You have to include some candy or a pencil too (I’m not making the rules, just reporting them!) If you only have one child or this is your first-born the temptation might be to go overboard and give an entire goodie bag of plastic crap from Oriental Trading. Please spare us. Don’t get carried away; it’s tacky and smacks of desperation (“pleeeease be Jaden’s friend!”). Bonus points if you can come up with some sort of cheesy pun that ties the valentine and treat together.

Back in the good ol’ days my kids went to a private school that forbade candy or goodies with Valentines. While that was a charming and very welcome idea, they got us back by strongly suggested we make homemade valentines. You know what a pain that was? Trying to get your kindergartner to stay on task long enough  to make twenty-something cards? It took days! Now I come up with a valentine that mostly I create and they can do an easy part of: gluing things together or sprinkling glitter. It doesn’t seem as totalitarian that way. Please don’t leave it up to your child. This isn’t the Science Fair; it’s not cheating of you do it. You need it to be cute but not obnoxiously so. And now with blogs and Pinterest and that old standby Family Fun magazine there are a jillion good ideas out there.  Yes, you can get those gross boxed Valentines sets but yuck! (I’ve bought those some years when I’ve had a new baby and can’t get my shiz together). And just say no to anything commercial like Transformers or Sponge Bob.

Probably the worst first-timer gaffe that parents of preschoolers and kindergardeners make is to address valentines.  Do not expect illiterate people to be able to hand cards out to the proper recipients! You will spend twenty minutes dragging your child from desk to desk madly flipping through a big stack of valentines trying to get them in the correct “mailbox”.  This doesn’t sound like a big deal but I swear you will want to kill yourself by the time you’re done.  Little Gracie will be much too distracted by the “decorate your own cookie” station and Valentine Bingo to care about giving cards to the right people. Just have your child sign each card (or you can sign it if they’re really young or not quite good at writing yet).  If it really weirds you out having an empty “to: ” space, just write “to: my friend”. That way it doesn’t matter who gets each card. So much simpler.

This year I have three kids in elementary school (about 70 valentines for all three classes) so I wanted to do a small (AKA cheap) valentine that works for girls and boys.  I went with matchboxes (cute and interesting enough that large amounts of candy aren’t necessary).  Matchboxes are less than a dollar for a pack of ten (and the fact that I get to keep all the matches is a big bonus to a preparedness freak like me).  The kids decided on a theme of “frogs”; nice and gender-neutral. I spent a couple of hours finding some cute frog designs online (I got everything at Letteringdelights.com) and designing wrappers for the matchboxes. I gave the kids gluesticks and they went to town.  Pretty easy. This is what we ended up with:

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Hello my darlings, sorry to be so utterly neglectful but it’s been vacation time lately. I spent a few fun-filled days in Utah visiting my sister and her not-so-new baby. So ashamed that she was born in May and I’m just barely meeting her for the first time. That’s what happens when you live a thousand or so miles from your family (actually I have no idea how many miles it is but it’s a 27 hour drive).  Her name is Pippa Jane Eleanor and she is adorable, no?

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I returned home from the extremely dry mountainy air just in time for my children to have a three day break from school. No idea why; some sort of teacher something-or-other. It was a very looong weekend. I mostly ignored my offspring while I tried to get several projects done. Like cleaning out my closet. Right now the closet is in the scary-horrible-right-before-it’s-almost-finished phase.  I also have almost finished decorating Arabella and Adelaide’s room. I started it three years ago.  Now the girls are a lot older and this decorating scheme is a smidge prissy for them, but they’re so happy that the end is near that they’re very excited nontheless. Here is a sneak peak:

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Don’t expect to see the finished photos anytime soon. I’ve run into a bit of a snag since the fabric I chose for the dust ruffle has been discontinued. I have enough fabric for 3/4 of one bed. So it looks like I won’t actually be truly finished for who knows how long.

 

I also made six loaves of bread and nearly ran out of yeast.  I had bought some at the store but couldn’t find it anywhere (you have no idea how often that happens). Turns out it fell out of my car while I was unloading groceries. But I didn’t find it until it was a little too late.

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So, yeah, I’ve been getting a lot done. And my kids? What have they been doing? Well, the boys are content to shoot things with airsoft guns and arrows but the girls need a little more creativity. As usual Klutz came to the rescue with their best and most wonderful craft kit so far: Shrinky Dink Jewelry.

This is such a great kit I couldn’t resist and had to make a few pieces of my own. My girls (and all their many friends who traipsed and in out over the last week) were constantly huddled over the table, coloring and cutting their Shrinky Dinks.  Not only are there tons of cute ideas in the accompanying book, but there are lots of jewelry supplies and a jillion adorable templates. The book is clear and easy to understand and full of great advice like “don’t complain that the oven window is dirty unless you’re volunteering to clean it.”  Obviously the author has children! Also immensely helpful is a ruler that tells you how big your Shrinky Dinks will be once they’ve shrunk. That’s always been a bit of a head-scratcher when we’ve made them in the past.

Here is one of my designs, before shrinking (I traced it from one of the templates in the kit with a fine-tipped Sharpie):

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And after. I made it into a cute necklace with the supplies from the kit:

 

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You can get the Klutz Shrinky Dink kit at Michaels  for $25 (but beware they won’t take coupons for this item since it’s a “book”. Jerks.)  But I got ours for about $16 here on Amazon. I ordered a couple more kits for birthday party gifts, we love it so much. If you have kids over age 5, Shrinky Dinks are a godsend. This kit kept all of us girls happy for days (even our 16-year-old!).  Refill packs of Shrinky Dink paper are about $6 at any craft store (buy the rough kind, usually called “Ruff n’ Ready”).

 

 

I wasn’t compensated for this post, sadly. But I do get money from amazon if you click through my link. Which you should definitely do.

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I meant to write a review of all the books I read in 2011, but I could only remember about three of them. So I’ll try to dig around my bookshelf and jog my memory. But movies are much easier to remember. Mostly because there aren’t as many to choose from.  As I’ve mentioned before, I see a lot of movies. Nothing scary because I hate scary movies. And nothing too dirty unless the guy in it is on My List. Then it is OK. (You weren’t familiar with that loophole, were you?)  Before you turn your snooty nose up at me for watching Rated R movies, I have made a New Year’s Resolution not to see any in 2012. And so far I haven’t seen any (except for The Descendents because I had already seen that in 2011. And naturally that means it doesn’t count. Which is another loophole you might not have known about but I do, being an expert on commandments and loopholes. Just governing myself here, people, like the Prophet Joseph said). Without further lame excuses, here is my list, in order.

My Most Favorite:

Midnight in Paris. I have always loved Woody Allen (except for that stinker The Jade Scorpion). This movie was enchanting because it was funny (natch), clever (allusion to “Miniver Cheevy”, one of the poems I really love? Check.), took place in Paris, and had to do with time travel back to the good ol’ days. I saw it three times in the theatre, I loved it so much.

Buck. This was a documentary about the real Horse Whisperer. His name is Buck (short for Buckshot, so he had no choice but to be a cowboy) and he grew up in a very troubled home. He got his act together and became absolutely amazing with horses. It’s both fascinating and feel-good. It’s a very quiet, thoughtful movie but I showed it to my kids and they all were mesmerized. Side note: I want his daughter’s hat incredibly badly.

Crazy. Stupid. Love. Yes, the worst movie title all year.  I had really low expectations for this but I was very pleasantly wrong.  It was so funny, so poignant, so true.  The cast is terrific and has the most hilarious scene of any movie all year (yes, even funnier than Maya Rudolph having diarrhea in the street.) I just adored this movie.

ContagionMatt Damon and pandemics: my two favorite subjects. If you don’t want to stock up your food storage after seeing this, you have problems.

The Descendants.  This was so, so good.  It’s an emotional drama about a man losing his wife and trying to figure out how to deal with the mess she is leaving behind and his two daughters. There is lots of swearing in it, but something about it just spoke to me. I like how the location (Hawaii) isn’t just a location in the movie, but an actual character. Be warned, though; some of the the people I saw it with HATED it. Like, incredibly hated it. So I can’t really recommend it. Also, George Clooney looks like a schlub in this movie. So don’t go thinking you’ll at least enjoy some eye candy. You won’t.

I Am. This was a documentary that the critics hated because the idea is about trying to prove the importance of compassion and love. The guy who made this movie was a Hollywood big shot who got deathly ill and finally realized that his  life was pretty pointless. He set out to discover what is really  in the world. While it was not the best-made movie I’ve seen, it was super interesting and incredibly joyful. (By the way, the movie’s title refers to the question “who is responsible for making the world a better place?”.)

 

My Most Hated:

Just Go With It. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this was my most hated movie of all time. Not surprising since it’s Adam Sandler, who has made only one good movie in his entire life (The Wedding Singer). The premise is idiotic on so many levels (“my assistant is Jennifer Aniston and because she wears glasses I never noticed that she’s hot”). This is one of those movies based entirely on telling one lie after another which makes things incredibly complicated (hilarious hijinx ensue! Theoretically). As a very frank and honest person, I find this so incredibly frustrating; almost frustrating enough to scream in the middle of the movie. Also, there are very sassy kids in this movie. Sassy kids are not funny; they are horrid. I think they are encouraging people to accept underage sassiness in real life. Seriously.

Sherlock Holmes: I’m sorry. I couldn’t stand it.  Filmmakers: If you don’t want to make a movie that takes place in the Victorian Era, then don’t. But don’t pretend that you do and have it be completely modern in every way except the costumes. Also, there are lots of explosions.  Explosions are to adult movies as farts are to kids’ movies: they’re a cop-out and a sign of poor storytelling.

J. Edgar. It was choppy, confusing, the makeup was terrible and J. Edgar seemed like nothing more than a power-hungry wacko (not in a good way. Just in a I-wish-he’d-hurry-up-and-die-so-this-movie-would-end way).

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Did you know it’s possible to make an incredibly boring and slow spy movie? If you didn’t, check this out. Because who doesn’t want to see not just one but two (!) scenes of Gary Oldman swimming slowly across a lake.  Even Colin Firth can’t make this interesting.

Hop: Yes, it’s a kids movie. But it was painfully stupid. Even James Marsden, whom I love (and who loves me too, I just know it) couldn’t make this movie palatable. It was like Alvin and the Chipmunks but with only one chipmunk. Who makes candy.

 

Movies I Refused To See For Idealogical Reasons:

The Smurfs. I totally worshipped the Smurfs growing up. I bought my kids Smurf stuff a decade ago when I could only get it on ebay. But when I saw this preview my blood ran cold. Cartoon characters in Manhattan??? Uh, I already saw that movie and it was called Enchanted. The Smurfs need to stay in a European forest where their shenanigans are accompanied by classical music, just like the cartoons. The Smurfs are gentle (except for that dumb Jokey who’s always giving gifts that explode) and slightly goofy.  They need to stay that way, Hollywood.

New Year’s Eve. I saw Valentine’s Day and it was atrocious. Why would I see it again?

Footloose. I hate musicals. I hate remakes. I especially hate movies whose theme is “dancing makes everyone get along”.

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One of the most irritating things about having lots of children is that I start to hear the same comments over and over. Many of them are incredibly stupid and inane. Mostly they’re just things that people say because they don’t want you to know what they’re really thinking.  Here is a handy translation guide in case you’re clueless enough to take people’s comments at face value.

“You sure have your hands full”.  Translation (if you have 1-2 children): “Your kid’s a total spaz. I’ve heard good things about Stratera.” (If you have more than two children) “Would you mind shutting your kids up? I’m trying to shop/checkout books/sit on the beach in peace and quiet. The world is all about me, me, me and not your noisy brats.”

Of all the phrases I hear, this one irks me the most. What am I supposed to say? Some parents chose the passive-aggressive “better full than empty”.  Nice parents opt for a sweet smile, hoping to preserve enough self-control not to rip the person’s head off.  I like a simple “no friggin’ duh. So why don’t you help me unload my grocery cart?”

 

“She’s a keeper”. This phrase is strictly limited to newborns. Translation: (if said by a woman): “What an ugly baby.” (If said by a man): “All babies look the same to me”.  If you really do have a cute baby your friends and relatives will use words like “gorgeous”, “adorable”, “perfect” or “cutest baby I’ve ever seen”.  The only thing worse than “she’s a keeper” is a simple “awww.” (translation: “ewww”).

 

“They grow up so fast”. Translation, “I know that every day seems like a hundred hours. But eventually you’ll wish they were little again. Not until you’ve developed Alzheimers, though. In the mean time, try not to kill them.”

 

“Are all those kids yours?” Translation: “That is a hell of a lot of kids, you crazy woman!”  The proper response is: “no, I just love taking kids to the grocery store/airport/science center so much that I brought all the neighbor kids too.”

 

Honorable mention: “You just had a baby!”  Said in response to a postpartum woman’s lamentations about being fat. Translation, “I can’t believe you’re not on Weight Watchers already! I was way thinner than you by this point.”  Even if the woman had a baby three years ago, this is always the given response.

 

Readers, if I ever hear you say any of these phrases you will be instantly denounced as my friend. Consider yourself warned.

 

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So, it’s time to fess up about my New Year’s Resolutions. We won’t get into the sordid details of every single one, but the big one has been giving up sugar. Which I have done. Sugar and I have gone our separate ways. Yes, I still eat things like bread that have some sugar in them. But I try to at least stick to whole wheat.

As I’ve mentioned about a million times on this blog, I have a major sugar addiction. An honest-to-goodness addiction and I’m not even exaggerating. I have never traded sex for baked goods, but I’ve done just about every other unseemly thing that involves sugar. And I was starting to scare myself.

Unlike other people who can “fill a craving”, I am a bottomless pit when it comes to sweets. There is no “off” button; only one that says “more, please”.

So I decided on New Year’s Eve to go cold turkey. As a farewell I ate half of a lemon pound cake (I would have eaten the whole thing but I didn’t make it til 3:00.) I also drank an entire two-liter of Mountain Dew. Myself. And I wasn’t even wired.  So you see why I had to do this?  It’s gotten a bit out of control.

You guys, I have been praying my guts out. That is the only way I have been able to have the strength to do this. I started the year out with a fast. Which I think will be my new tradition because it is such a zen, contemplative way to start new goals. Every day, almost every hour, I have had to pray for strength and discipline.  And that’s what I’ve gotten.

So last week when I did my cinnamon roll tutorial? I didn’t have even a smidge.  When I made coffee cake for my family on Sunday? Not a bite.  Nor have I had cookie dough all the times when my kids have made it. I am so incredibly proud of myself.

So proud.

But I’m still praying hard. Because it is still difficult. Man, is it difficult. It’s easier to say no than it was at the beginning. But it’s hard having the thing that you love so much surrounding you at ever store, at every restaurant and church activity.

My goal was to make it sugar-free til today, which is York’s birthday. I decided that I can have a piece of birthday cake on my children’s birthdays and then it’s back on the wagon. So I had my one piece of cake. A cake which is one of my favorites.

Holy crap, I feel horrendous. The sugar made me feel like I’m going to either throw up or die. And the cake didn’t even taste that good!  What is happening? Who am I?

So, yes, sugar free again. I had my little fling and I’ll be good  until March 14th when I get my slice of cake (it’s the next birthday in our family).  And after the reaction of my body to the cake tonight, I’m kind of excited to get the sugar out of my system again. Bleh.

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At some point in every woman’s life, there will be a yearning to make cinnamon rolls. (OK, probably every American woman. I can’t imagine some Chinese lady in a rice paddy standing up one day and thinking “I would like to make a sweet bread I’ve never heard of.” Or however you say that in Chinese.) Most women ignore this primal urge because–my gosh!– how intimidating! Some women give it a shot and if you have never made yeast bread it can turn into quite a debacle. Making cinnamon rolls isn’t difficult as much as it is complicated. But I’m here to hold your hand and tell you that you can do it. It might be a little scary, but you really ought to know how. To motivate you a little, let me tell you that the cinnamon rolls in this tutorial are the best I’ve ever had. And I’ve had a lot of cinnamon rolls. If you think Cinnabon is good, wait until you try these!

This is my friend Bonnie. She has never made bread before. She made her first attempt at cinnamon rolls last week and it was not a success. So I invited her over to show her the ropes. (She is also the Relief Society President of my ward. If you think your failure in the kitchen is going to keep you out of that calling, wrong-o!). I’m all about teaching a man to fish, so Bonnie did a lot of the work in this tutorial. It was nice having an extra set of hands to help snap pictures (usually I must rely on 12-year-olds with notsogreat photography skills). If Bonnie, a total breadmaking amateur, can do it, so can you!

 

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Let’s talk about yeast before we begin. Yeast is actual living creatures, like tiny and uninteresting sea monkeys. They’re dried and most often put in packets. Look at the date on the packets because once the expiration date has passed, it has passed. They’re dead. To make sure your yeast is alive and kicking, you need to proof it. Which means putting it in some lovely warm water where it promptly divides and grows and starts to get all bubbly. If this doesn’t happen after about ten minutes, your yeast is dead. Throw it out. Or you can skip all this rigmarole and get instant yeast instead. Instant yeast is preserved differently. Much more yeast is kept alive so there is no need to proof it to make sure. You just mix it in with your dry ingredients and it will magically work. Instant yeast (as opposed to regular yeast which is called “Active Yeast”) is a bit harder to find in stores. (If you live in central Texas you can get it at HEB.) It comes in a big one pound bag which looks like a block. I open the block and then keep it in an airtight container in the freezer where it will last much longer. Rapid-Rise yeast is very similar to instant. So if you can’t find instant yeast, get rapid rise. It will pretty much behave the same; i.e. no proofing needed.

Step one in our recipe will be combining the wet ingredients. You’ll want everything to be very warm since yeast loves to be nice and cozy. First you’ll need a room temperature egg. Since I never, ever think far enough to advance to let an egg sit on my counter long enough to warm up, let’s get it warm the cheaters way:  put it in a bowl with hot water for ten minutes.  Then break it into the bowl of your mixer and whisk it gently.

Combine the milk and water in a big measuring cup and heat it in the microwave for about 60 seconds.  This goes in the mixer bowl too. As does the butter which should have been melted in the microwave as well. You can also put in the vanilla at this point. (Notice how we’re using the paddle attachment. Don’t use the whisk!)

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Now throw in all the dry ingredients:  flour, salt, sugar, flour, gluten and yeast.

A note about these ingredients: if you have it, use bread flour. It will make a sturdier bread that will rise higher. If you have regular flour that will work just fine too but the texture won’t be as lovely.  It’s not a deal-breaker, though. Also nice but not necessary is vital wheat gluten. You can get this at the store near the flour. It will add height and structure to your bread. I highly recommend it but if you don’t want to get it, your rolls will still turn out okay.

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When I turn on a mixer full of flour, I generally drape a dish towel over the top for the first minute so the ingredients don’t fly all over the place.

Once your bread dough has gotten thoroughly mixed, you’re going to remove the paddle attachment and replace it with the dough hook (if you have one).  Once you put on the dough hook, this counts as kneading, not mixing.  You’re going to knead the dough for about five minutes. This helps the gluten to develop nice long strands that give bread its texture and height. You may want to try kneading by hand if you’re feeling ambitious. I’m super lazy so I rarely do this.  There is always the eternal question of how much kneading (whether by machine or by hand) is enough.  I’ll tell you how to find out.  You can apply this to any sort of bread-making: white bread, whole wheat, whatever. All yeast bread needs to develop gluten. After you’ve kneaded this bread for five minutes, rip off a chunk of dough that’s a little bigger than a ping pong ball. You’re going to pull it apart slowly and gently with both hands. If the gluten hasn’t developed well enough, the dough will simply rip apart in the middle. You’ll need to knead more.

 

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Knead it for another minute or two and try again.  If your gluten has developed enough, the dough will become translucent and thin before it starts to rip (holding it up to the light will make it easier to see.) This is perfect:
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Once your gluten has developed enough, you can stop kneading and start rising. Take a nice clean bowl and give it a light spray with Pam. Place your dough at the bottom and cover the bowl with either a clean tea towel or plastic wrap. Place it in a warm spot until it has doubled in size.  I like to preheat my oven for about a minute then turn off the heat. It gets to about 110°, a temperature that yeast loves.  At this temp, it takes about 45 minutes for it to double. If you have a chilly kitchen it will take up to an hour and a half. In my case with Bonnie it was just long enough to go get some tacos at Torchy’s. Yum!

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While your dough is rising you’re going to soften a stick of margarine. Ew, margarine? Who uses that? I use butter pretty much exclusively except for making cinnamon roll filling. Let me tell you, margarine makes it much stickier and gooier. You want sticky, gooey filling, right? If you use butter it’s more likely to melt and dribble into the bottom of the pan.  I swear these will taste fantastic! Trust me! There’s all sorts of weird butter-esque stuff at the store these days. Look for the box that says “margarine”.  In a separate bowl you’ll mix brown sugar and cinnamon.

Once your dough has risen, you’ll grab it and throw it gruffly down on the counter, kneading it a couple of times. The dough is so soft and squishy at this point; not at all sticky. Honestly it reminds me of my stomach after I have a baby. What a pleasant thought, no?

You’ll now need a nice big expanse of countertop to roll out your dough. I have a great big Silpat that is just the right size. Take a rolling pin and keep rolling the dough until it’s 24″ x 15″. Make it as rectangular as possible. This takes a lot of elbow grease but it’s worth it.

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It’s time to spread your margarine. You’ll spread it clear up to three edges. Leave the edge closest to you margarine-free so it can be sealed.

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Sprinkle the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture evenly over the margarine, leaving the free edge bare. To make sure it stays put while baking, we’re going to press the sugar into the margarine with a rolling pin. This is my favorite rolling pin in the whole world. I got it in France about a million years ago. You can get a similar one for around $18 here on Amazon.

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Let’s roll this sucker up! Rolling it tightly is going to give you lots of spirals and makes the difference between an impressive cinnamon roll and a lame, amateurish one.  It also improves the bread-to-gooey-cinnamon ratio. Start opposite the clean edge.

 

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Once it’s all rolled up, you’ll want to pinch the edge closed.

 

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After it’s pinched, gently roll it over so the smooth side is facing up and let’s get ready to cut. To cut the rolls we’ll use a perennial favorite: dental floss. I was lucky enough to have cinnamon in my drawer, but any flavor is fine. You won’t be able to taste it. Using a knife will squish the rolls and make them look misshapen and ugly.

First cut off any unevenness on the ends. They don’t need to be perfectly straight, but just get rid of most of the weirdness. To cut the dough, scootch the dental floss under the roll and criss cross the strands at the top. Then pull tightly and voilà! A nice, clean decapitation!

 

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This batch of cinnamon rolls will yield 15. So we need to divide your giant log into 15 even sections. I like to use a table knife to play around with spacing. I gently press lines where I will later used the dental floss to cut. You know the old carpenter’s rule: measure twice, cut once? Well, it applies here too. Nothing’s worse than to be almost done slicing off rolls and realizing you’ve been cutting them all wrong and will now be four short.

In this picture you can see my dental floss and the yucky ends I cut off from both sides.

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After I’ve cut off my ends I mark off three evenly-spaced sections about 8″ long. Then I divide each section into five smaller sections. If you’ve done it right, each cinnamon roll will be about 1 1/2″ thick. You can use a ruler or just eyeball it. (Also just so you know, locals pronounce Pedernales “pur-duh-NAL-iss”. No, it does not make any sense phonetically.)

 

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If this isn’t quite how it worked out for you, mathematically-speaking, then do the best you can. Just remember that you’ll want to end up with 15 cinnamon rolls.

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Ideally the best way to bake these is in three 8×8 pans. These rolls are thicker than most standard cinnamon rolls. If these rolls are all crammed together in one big pan some will still be raw, and some will be cooked too much. If you’ve ever been to Cinnabon when they’ve gotten pans fresh from the oven you’ll notice that there are only six rolls per pan. It’s because thicker, taller rolls don’t cook as well when they’re all baked together. If you’ve cut your rolls thinner (3/4″-1″ is the traditional width), placing them in a big, shallow pan is fine. But I don’t care for them when they’re this thin. I like a more substantial, hefty cinnamon roll.

The pans should be lined with parchment unless you’re in love with scrubbing hard, baked-on cinnamon sugar.

 

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The pans I use are pretty cheap.  They don’t need to be fancy or great-quality. You can get them anywhere. I use 8x8s all the time so I think they’re a good investment. Otherwise, you can come up with any sort of configurations among the different pans you have. Just make sure you’ve got 1-2″ between each roll.

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Now it’s time to let the rolls rise again. You’ll let them rise until they’re just barely touching. It won’t take as long as it did the first time. I’d check the rolls after 25 minutes to see how they’re progressing. While they rise you should make the frosting. (I’m not going to give you a photo tutorial because 1. it’s pretty basic and hard to screw up, and 2. pictures of white frosting in a bowl are beyond boring.)

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Once the rolls are touching, preheat the oven to 330º and bake until they’re golden brown (about 16-18 minutes. Longer if you have more in a big pan.)
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Gorgeous!

Ocassionally one or two rolls will develop a Tower of Babel spiral coming out of the center. If this happens, gently press the top of the spiral down with a fork until the roll is perfectly flat across the top.  While the rolls are still warm, slather with frosting. You might want to hide one from the hordes of locusts family at this point. You deserve at least a couple of these.

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These rolls take about four hours from start to finish. Most of the time will be waiting around while the dough rises and you won’t have to do anything. But it means you’ll be getting up pretty early to make these for breakfast. A lot of times I’ll make most of the recipe the night before. You can do everything up to letting the rolls rise in their pans. Before they’ve done their second rise, cover the pans with  plastic wrap or a towel and put them in the fridge overnight. The next morning they’ll do their final rise and be baked. Just be warned that since they’ve been very cold all night, it will take them much longer to rise. Preheat your oven for one minute (don’t forget to turn it off!) and let them rise there. It may take up to 70 minutes for them to rise. Give yourself an hour and a half from the time you take them out of the fridge til the time breakfast will be served, just to be on the safe side.

Jennie’s Marvelous Cinnamon Rolls

DOUGH:

1 egg at room temp, slightly beaten

1 cup whole milk

1/4 cup water

1/2 cup butter, melted

1 tsp. vanilla

4 1/2 cups bread flour

1/2 cup sugar

1 Tbs. vital wheat gluten

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 oz. yeast

FILLING:

1/2 cup margarine or butter, softened

1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed

5 Tbs. cinnamon

ICING:

4 oz cream cheese, slightly softened

1/2 cup butter, slightly softenend

1 3/4 cups powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

3-4 drops lemon flavor

In a mixing bowl, beat one egg with a whisk. Pour milk and water into a large measuring cup and heat in microwave until very warm (about 60 seconds). Add to mixing bowl. Add melted butter and vanilla.

Add dry ingredients to mixing bowl in order listed (these can also be made in a bread machine on the “dough” setting).  Mix ingredients til well-combined. Remove paddle attachment and use dough hook. Knead with dough hook for five minutes.

Allow dough  to rise in a warm place until doubled (45-60 minutes). Remove dough from bowl and roll into rectangle 24″ x 15″.  Spread rectangle with softened margarine, avoiding one long edge. Combine brown sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl and sprinkle over margarine, avoiding clean edge.  Use a rolling pin to lightly press sugar into margarine.

Starting at long edge opposite clean edge, roll up dough tightly. Pinch edge to seal.

Using dental floss, trim edges flat. Gently mark off 15 rolls about 1 1/2″ wide. Cut with dental floss.

Line three 8×8 pans with parchment paper. Place five rolls in each pan and let rise til gently touching (25-40 minutes).

Preheat oven to 330° and bake until golden brown (16-18 minutes). Don’t bake more than two pans at once.

FROSTING:

Place cream cheese and butter in mixing bowl. Using whisk attachment, beat for four minutes on low speed. Then beat for four minutes on med-high speed.

Add one cup of sugar and mix on low for one minute. Add remaining sugar and mix an additional minute.  Add vanilla and lemon and mix on high for one minute on med-high.

Frost rolls while still warm.

 

 

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This is what I’ve been thinking about lately:

People never use the word “marvelous” anymore. I think it’s a shame. What a great word! As a matter of fact it’s marvelous. So expect to hear it a lot more on this blog.

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My New Year’s resolutions have gone outstandingly well except one: to not sleep on top of my arms. I got in the habit of this while I was pregnant. I’m a stomach sleeper and when my belly got big I’d sleep on my arms to sort of cradle it and buy myself a few more weeks of sleeping in that position.  But now it’s just a bad habit and I can’t stop! Even though my arms go numb every single night and I’m sure I’m causing some sort of damage to them.  It turns out that keeping resolutions while you’re fast asleep is a smidge difficult.

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I’ve been watching and rewatching Downton Abbey so much that I’m a little peeved that nobody dresses me in the morning. My husband hates Mary and thinks she’s the devil but Mary reminds me a lot of myself, so I don’t know what to think of my husband hating her. He must just think I’m a super sweet, cheerful person. (Not sure how that’s possible but that’s the only explanation, right?)  If you’re not watching Downton, you are the only person in America who isn’t. Just so you know. And for heaven’s sake, don’t watch it on Netflix; the picture quality is really terrible. Get the BluRay. So much better.

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I’m starting to get back into cake decorating. I was doing it a lot several years ago but wedding cakes were really freaking me out so I sort of quit. Then I had a bunch of babies and while you might think a woman with six children would be the perfect person to make lots of cakes since she has an excuse, it turns out she is much too tired for that sort of thing. But I’m starting to get back on the bandwagon. I did a really fun cake this summer for one of India’s friends and I’d forgotten how much I like it (and hate it. It’s stressful.)  I’m doing a few master classes with some pretty well-known people in the cake biz in February. Hopefully this will get me psyched to be up to my elbows in buttercream again.

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It’s Girl Scout cookie season again here. For some super bizarre reason the cookies in Texas have different names than they did in Oregon and Michigan. Tagalongs are called Peanut Butter Patties. Who wants to eat a cookie that’s called a “patty”? Gross.  Samoas are called Caramel deLites. While I think “caramel” is a good move, “deLite” makes it sound like diet food. I wish, little Girl Scouts, I wish.

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Is there anything better than clean sheets tucked in extra tight? And to you naysayers who think tight sheets will give you ingrown toenails, you are dead wrong (and crazy). I’ve never had an ingrown toenail in my life.

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The other day at a church activity a girl was asked what one food she would take with her to a desert island.  I’ve thought a lot about my answer because I like to think about that sort of earth-shattering stuff. If I could get away with it I would say chips, salsa and guacamole from Chuy’s.  That’s more than one food but if you consider something like, say, spaghetti and meatballs which has lots of components, then chips, salsa and guac should totally be allowable.  If only one food were allowed I would say a deep dish pizza with sausage, black olives and mushrooms.  In either case I would require a supply of thoroughly chilled Mtn. Dew to go with.

 

 

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