Man cannot live by bread alone (Cookies, yes).  That’s where we need meat. Meat is my favorite form of protein and it’s going to be a long, dull pandemic/apocalypse/hurricane if you haven’t got any.  There are a jillion choices out there but most meat options are going to be available in a can. There’s everything from Spam to roast beef to tuna fish (why do we not just call it tuna? Is there some other kind of tuna I’m not aware of? Tuna milk? Tuna cake?)  You can pick what you like.

I know what some of you are thinking: “there is no way i’m eating meat from a can!”  Settle down, sister; it’s not as bad as you think.  You might not want to empty a can of canned beef onto a plate and hand it to your kids, but canned meat tastes just fine in soups and casseroles and things like that.  And just in case your freezer goes out, the stores are empty and you’re still hungry, canned turkey breast is going to sound like a gift from Heaven.

I was at Costco a couple of months ago and they were making quesadillas with canned roast beef and you know, it was really, really good. Not just edible but delicious. So I bought a 4-pack.  Costco remains my favorite and most affordable place to buy canned meat because this stuff ain’t cheap anywhere.  But if you rarely–or never–go to Costco, then just pick some up at Satan’s Store Walmart or your local grocery place.

The point here is to get stuff that is shelf-stable. If you want to throw in a big bag of frozen chicken breasts, then be my guest. But you want to have a supply of food that doesn’t need refrigeration and can be easily thrown in a backpack in case you need to get out of Dodge in a hurry. We’ve all been in a situation where the power has been out for quite a while. It’s stressful. And starving, whining kids aren’t going to help anyone feel better. Get some meat!

I’m not going to tell you how much to buy because these packs won’t take up a ton of room (especially those pouches of tuna), but they will take a bite out of your grocery budget. So buy a little more than you feel comfortable with. Yeah, if you aren’t feeling slightly weird then you aren’t getting enough meat.

As the summer drifts to a close it’s a good time to take stock of your water supplies. If you’re like us you’ve been going through water bottles like crazycakes. Summer outings and thirsty people have depleted our supply.  And we all know water is the most important thing you can store.

So get yourselves to the store and stock up on water bottles. A couple of  gallons per person if you like the big jugs, or a flat of water bottles per person if you like the 16-20 oz. bottles.  Water is CHEAP so there’s no reason to scrimp, folks. Keep some in the back of your car and the rest you just need to stash wherever you can.

JUST BUY SOME!  There’s no such thing as having too much water!

Tomorrow is Fast Sunday for Mormons. When I say “fast” I don’t mean the opposite of slow; I mean not eating or drinking. This is something that all Mormons around the world do on the first Sunday of every month. We go hungry. And thirsty. On purpose. We then take the money that we would have spent on food and give it to be used by the poor. The church has huge farms around the world where food is raised especially for church members who are in need. They are run by members of the church and staffed by volunteers.

When we lived in Utah Mister and I worked a few times a year helping out at the production facilities. We packaged cheese at the dairy, screwed lids on jars of spaghetti sauce (they were going down a conveyor belt and I felt like we were in the opening sequence of Laverne and Shirley the whole time. But with spaghetti sauce not beer.)  Once my sister and I even worked in the meat-packing plant. We were on the clean-up crew and it’s probably one of the grossest things I’ve ever had to do. We had to wear giant rubber boots to keep from slipping as we hosed the congealed fat off of every single surface. Gah! So nasty! But being a Mormon means working hard to take care of those around us.

Now that I’m the Relief Society President I help the needy families in the congregation figure out what food and toiletries they might need and fill out an order form for them to go pick it up at a special store every two weeks.  It’s like a food pantry but on a much bigger and more organized scale. The members who receive help are expected to help out in other ways where possible. It’s a pretty fantastic system to make sure that everyone is watched over and helped the way the Lord would want.

Here’s a cool video that shows how the system works around the world.

Hey, school’s back in and I’m ready to get going with my preparedness plans. How about you? Did you work on your preparedness over the summer? I stocked up on freeze-dried goods but I am running low on the basics. This week let’s work on sugar. It’s my best friend and my worst enemy. Either way, I need some in my food storage. The thought of not being able to make cookies if the world is on the fritz is just too overwhelming.

I would suggest a mixture of brown sugar and regular granulated sugar. I would suggest 3-5 lbs of sugar per person. You can split that up amongst the various sugars however you like.*

The nice thing about sugar is that bugs pretty much leave it alone. Which is weird. It’s sugar! Why wouldn’t bugs like it??? But they seem to prefer things made of flour, at least in my neck of the woods. So you don’t need to go to extreme measures to preserve your sugar. I leave mine in those paper sacks they come in and everything is hunky-dory.

See you next week after you’ve gotten your sugar! Remember, the point is to get it done’ this isn’t about driving across town to the cheapest store and trying to clip coupons. It’s about getting it done. So throw a bunch of sugar in your shopping cart next time you’re at the grocery store. If the cashier looks at you strangely just shrug and tell her you’ve got PMS.

 

*But not honey. We’re saving that for its own week.

I haven’t talked much about mascara in a while. At the beginning of the summer I had a bout of Pink Eye which required me to throw away all my eye makeup and start from scratch. It takes me a while to get over Pink Eye and I like to wait a few weeks before it’s gone gone before I start wearing eye makeup again to prevent contamination should there still be bacteria in my eyes. So for several weeks everyone I knew gave me a strange look when I’d show up everywhere sans eye makeup. They could tell I looked different and worse; but they couldn’t put their finger on why.

I spent my eye-makeup-free time dreaming of mascara. I got so tired of my beady little eyes.  My old favorite mascara was by Sonia Kashuk. Of course it’s been discontinued, as is the case with all great makeup. I’ve heard rumors that they’re going to bring it back but I haven’t seen it yet.

After doing lots of research, my first mascara purchase was some Japanese stuff called Heroine Make Lash and Curl. This stuff has the greatest reviews and everybody adores it.

IMG_8577

It’s a Japanese cheapo brand so even with shipping (off of ebay) it wasn’t too expensive. My verdict: It was horrible. HORRIBLE!  It was so wet and gooey that my lashes all stuck together in one disgusting clump. And it took forever to dry. Seriously, I put the mascara on, finished my other makeup, put my shoes on and got in my car and the mascara was still goopy. Heaven help you if you sneeze or rub your eyes before it’s dried. I have no idea–none-why people would like this mascara. The positive reviews on Makeup Alley confound me. My lashes certainly didn’t look full or lush. They just looked stubby and gross. I thought maybe some eyelashes had fallen out because of the pink eye, they looked so pitiful.

Next I turned to another positively reviewed mascara, Be Long by Clarins. I saw Clarins makeup all over Europe but it’s not as well-known here in America. I mean, I’ve seen Clarins counters around but it just doesn’t seem to be as popular as Clinique or Lancôme. So I ordered a small tube of Be Long off of ebay because it’s pretty spendy if you buy it retail. (Ebay is such a great resource for trying out makeup without having to pay a fortune.)

Clarins Be Long

My eyelashes that I thought were short and sparse? Oh my goodness! Never before have they looked so long and gorgeous. My lashes curled beautifully and the mascara didn’t clump at all. All I could do is look in the mirror and say, “Wow!”.  Sadly, Be Long is not waterproof. By the end of the day it had smudged and little tiny flakes were dotting my cheeks.  Going out in the bright sun (which is all the time here in Texas) makes my eyes water and after a while I started to look streaky like Tammy Faye talking about Jim’s infidelity.

I was just so, so, so disappointed. I’ve heard that there are products that you can apply to mascara to make it waterproof. But once you factor in expensive mascara plus an expensive waterproofer, it’s quite a lot of money just for eyelashes. While lots of people think that eyelashes are tremendously important, they’re just a row of hair so really they’re not my number one concern. If I were a blondie with pale lashes I might feel differently.

Next I decided to try Clarins waterproof mascara called Wonder Proof. While it’s very nice and one of my top picks, it’s not as great as Be Long. It’s a little clumpier and my lashes don’t look quite as long. The great thing about this mascara, though, is that is doesn’t budge.  No smudging and smearing at all. I wash my face with oil and I still have to rub hard to get this stuff off at the end of the day.

Wonder perfect

Every day when I reach for my mascara I want to grab Be Long. It just looks so fantastic. But I don’t fancy looking like a raccoon by the end of the day so I pick Wonder Perfect instead. It’s a very good mascara but it’s not my Holy Grail. I’d put it on the same level as my old favorite, Lights Camera Lashes by Tarte (which is not waterproof but a little more smudge resistant than Be Long). I’m still on the look-out. Do you have a waterproof mascara that you’re madly in love with? I might need to try it.

Erasers

Somehow in the raising of children you oftentimes start traditions that you didn’t mean to start. Of course these traditions usually end up being a complete pain but heaven help you if you try to abandon them. Thus we ended up with the Annual Buying of the School Supplies. Think Running of the Bulls in Pamplona but with children, not bovines. And in Target, not Spain.  Back when the kiddles were first starting out they went to a lovely little private school in Salt Lake City called Carden Memorial School. It was so wonderful and I am only now realizing what a blessing it was to attend there. The school was very picky about what products the students used so the cost of the school supplies was bundled into tuition and all we did was show up on the first day with nothing but a backpack. Everything else was provided. The notebooks were lovely little things imported from France and the crayons were some kind I’ve never seen before. It was all so nice.

But then we had too many kids and couldn’t afford tuition so off we went to a Charter School. This meant buying all the supplies ourselves. So off we went with six children under age ten to Target with four separate lists of products to buy. It was mayhem, to say the least. I was probably in tears by the time we left. But the kids had  grand old time. And the next summer it had already been established as a tradition. Kids have this weird way of assuming that any activity they really like is now a tradition even if they’ve only done it once. And we sucker parents, eager to create as many magical traditions and memories as possible, completely give in. Every single time. How else do we explain naughty leprechaun shenanigans on St. Patrick’s Day, $20 tooth fairy gifts or making a fancy birthday poster every single year (am I right, Tiffany)? So now we find ourselves at Target every August, trying to navigate the bins of pencils and post-it notes. I’m so dreadfully jealous of the moms who buy those pre-made kits of all the proper school supplies that are tidily wrapped, waiting on their child’s desk the night of the Open House. I suggested those to my children last year and they were all writhing on the floor by the time I’d finished the question. How dare I suggest they not pick out their very own scissors!

So it looks like tomorrow night will be the magical night we head over to our home away from home Target. I will commence to dig through the jillions of folders to find exactly the right ones (plastic, pockets, brads) in all five colors (“gosh dangit, how are the red ones gone already???”). I will explain to my children the nuances of a Pentel Hi-Polymer eraser vs. Pink Pearl (Pink Pearls are crap. I don’t care what the list from the school says), a pencil box vs. a pencil case. (“no, a box is much better. You can open it and see everything at once. With a soft case you have to constantly dig around inside. I know it doesn’t come in turquoise but you’ll thank me, I swear.”),  and the debate which isn’t even worth debating: Crayola vs. Rose Art (spend the extra 10¢ and get Crayola for Pete’s Sake. Rose Art’s quality is an insult to humanity. I do prefer Prang watercolors to Crayola,though, truth be told.)

As someone who is not a teacher, I am flummoxed by the huge amount of dry-erase markers that are required. Why do they cost so much more than regular markers? It’s a pile of noxious chemicals. Just make more!  And what’s so special about manila paper. Are you telling me that a ream of legal sized printer paper is not quite good enough?

Now that we’ve got older kids we have to do two big shopping trips. The elementary schoolers need everything by late summer or it will all be sold out. The older kids have to go to school before their teachers tell them what is needed. So we’ve got to scrounge around the leftovers during the first week of school hoping to find the elusive five-subject notebook. If you go to the school supply section in late August it looks like the bottled water aisle the day before a hurricane. There’s nothing there but a couple of Monster High folders and a pack of highlighters.  Then we’re left to search for notebooks at places like Walgreen’s. And that just feels all wrong.

So I’m girding my loins and mentally preparing myself to run the gauntlet tomorrow evening. Pray for me.

I haven’t done a Makeup Monday in a while. I got pink eye at the beginning of the Summer and I’ve been keeping the makeup minimal to prevent contamination with my germy eyes.  I’ve also gotten pretty sick of doing my nails too. When summer got here I just needed a break from everything!

But now I’m back with a minimalist manicure and a great new product that I’m kind of in love with. (What? This is a minimalist manicure for me!)

green dot manicure

If you do gel nail polish, you know it’s the best to apply. It “dries” super quickly so you can get a great manicure and not worry about smudging anything. But removing gel polish is the worst. Really a complete drag. You can either soak your nails in acetone which is smelly and awful, or try to come up with a system of soaking cotton balls and wrapping your nails with tin foil. That method is drippy and inconvenient and I don’t recommend it.

I stumbled across a new nail polish removal product while I was reading one of my favorite nail blogs. Intrigued by the product, I ordered it for myself. And wow!  It’s fantastic! Totally non-drippy things you stick on the tops of your fingers. They took my polish off in less than ten minutes. No scraping involved either! The polish pretty much just fell off.  They’re called NailMates.

nailmates

They come with thin, little sponges that you dip in acetone polish remover and slide into the pink rubber covers. You wear them on your nails and they work like a charm. You’d think that they would be pretty leaky but they aren’t at all. You can’t exactly type at your computer while you wear them, but it’s way better than being stuck at a table with your hand in a bowl of acetone. And NailMates are reusable. Just rinse out the sponges and that’s it.  I’m just loving these!  They’re $14 for a set (includes shipping) and right now they’re giving an extra set of liner sponges for free. You can get them here.

I wasn’t paid to recommend them and I bought them with my very own money. I just think they’re a great product.

 

Have you ever thought about people from the Middle Ages and how gross and disgusting their teeth must have been? Ew. As an American I have vowed to always have beautiful teeth. It says something about having good teeth on our money, doesn’t it?  Well, you can’t have good teeth without toothbrushes and toothpaste.  That’s kind of a no-brainer.

So this week we’re going to stock up on dental supplies. Buy a tube of toothpaste for each person in the family and a couple of toothbrushes per person too.  If you’re feeling particularly valiant you might want to throw in some dental floss as well.

Don’t blow this one off, guys. Do it for the people around you who don’t want to smell your bad breath!

Fave Animal Video

July 15, 2014 · 0 comments

in Funny, Pets, Videos

This might just be my favorite animal video ever. Make sure you watch til the very end.

(First of all “license” is a really tricky word to spell. I know there are c’s and s’s but I can’t ever remember which goes where. Same thing with “excersise”. Or is it “exercize”?  I’m really a good speller, I swear!)

Texas DPS

York, although being 16, was a bit of a dawdler about getting his driver’s permit and license. We signed India up for a driving school and she did all her stuff and got her license and it was not too hard. We decided to do the homeschool option for York because . . . we’re dumb and cheap. The homeschool version costs about $120 less than a driving school. The would-be driver has to do an online course but you do every speck of driving with the would-be driver.

Let me tell you, it’s most definitely worth $120 to make someone else learn to drive with your child. You eventually are the one who has to put in the major hours with them either way, but it’s nice having someone else show them the ropes at the beginning when they are know-nothing idiots. There isn’t anything more frustrating than a teenager who thinks he’s a great driver just because he’s played lots of driving video games. You can explain til you’re blue in the face that the very nature of Forza Motorsport is the complete opposite of driving in the real world (you have to obey speed limits, stay on the road and no running over pedestrians), but he’ll think he’s an expert already. Ah, the hubris of a teenage boy!

York did an online course for Driver’s Ed that was pretty straightforward. The rotten part was actually doing the driving.  Here in Texas you have to do about a million and a half hours of driving before you get your license (a bunch of it has to be done at night, too). This is definitely a great idea but it’s se emotionally taxing that I found myself giving York excuse after excuse about why he couldn’t drive. I had just been through the white knuckles with India, I needed a year or so to recover before I got to this business with York. Not to mention I didn’t want him to drive with his siblings in the car; if he was going to kill us I wanted him to take along as few people as possible. When there are six kids at home it’s quite difficult to find a time when only one person needs to go somewhere.

When you have toddlers and older people laugh and say, “wait until he’s a teenager” you look at them and think, “what’s worse than a meltdown in the middle of Target?”. You imagine a surly teenager and wonder “how hard can that be?”  The idea of not having to hire a babysitter anymore/make food other than chicken nuggets/wipe anyone’s bum makes the teenage years shine from afar with a rosy glow.

It’s things like teaching your kid how to drive that are simply too hideous to explain to a young mother. How do I communicate the frustration and terror of making sure my child understands how to not kill himself and others with this one ton mass of steel and soft Corinthian leather*.

York and I (I am the teacher of children learning to drive. Let’s just say that Mister’s temperament is not quite suited to patience in the driver’s seat. Plus I’m a better driver to begin with) muddled through our many hours of driving together until it was the magical day to get his driver’s license. Instead of getting it at the dumpy little office ten minutes from our house, everyone told us to go to the big fancy office way on the other side of town because it was so much easier to get an appointment. So York made an appointment–only a two-week wait!– to take the driving test way over there. I looked at the DPS† website to make sure we had the proper paperwork, although the website is as vague and unhelpful as possible (“Bring the Driver Safety Form”. Well, which of the eight hundred forms and papers that I’ve been given over the last few months is that? Why can’t they just say, “the form you got from the online driving school saying you finished all the lessons”??? Oh that’s right, this is the government. Why make something easy to understand when you can be cryptic and misleading instead?)

I pulled York out of school early (Of course driving tests are only given during school hours. Of course!) and toodled over to the DPS (a 35-minute drive and $2 in tolls) and got in line for his appointment. The lady who worked there was sweet but very insistent that we were missing a form. The form that I had left sitting on the table because I didn’t realize it was one we had needed. Naturally. It was too late to go get it and return before the office closed (an hour and ten minute round trip, remember!)   At this point York was about to lose it because he was not about to wait another two weeks for his driving test. The Prom was in two days and he wasn’t crazy about his mother driving him and his date around.

The sweet DPS lady assured us that if we arrived first thing in the morning we would be able to get a walk-in appointment. So we were on the road at 7:00 a.m. the next day to get to the DPS on the other side of town when it opened. We had all the correct paperwork and York and the driving instructor set off.

And they were back sixty seconds later.

Seems our safety sticker had expired a year earlier. In all fairness we were driving India’s car and I had no idea. So we drove around the surrounding area until we found a shop that could do a safety inspection. An hour later we were back at the DPS only to realize it wasn’t the safety sticker that had expired, but the car registration (which is a sticker on the dashboard so it’s very easy to tell when the date passes.)  There is no way we had time to drive over to a completely different government office to get a new registration so we decided to go back home and get my minivan.

Fast forward half an hour; we were about to get in my minivan when I realize that it too has an expired registration (really, people, I can’t be expected to stay abreast of everything). Our only other option was the giant pick-up we owned that mostly just sits in the driveway until Mister decides that he needs to take stuff to Goodwill. Only India had taken it to school that day because we’d been using her car for the driving test.

So we went to the High School and had her run the keys out to us in the parking lot. We swapped cars (registration and safety stickers were up to date!) and drove back to the DPS. York had never driven the truck in his life but that just made it all the more wonderful.

By this point it was noon. We’d originally left for the test at 7 a.m. Yay for missing another day of school!

York took his test and passed (hooray, because I really would have strangled him if we’d gone to all that trouble and he’d flunked), and it was very anti-climactic. We were just happy to be out of there. As we exited we passed a sulky teenage girl who was standing there with her mother while a DPS employee informed them that the license plates on their car were expired and they’d have to come back another day. “But I pulled her out of school for this! Now I’ll have to pull her out again!”, her mother wailed. I hear you, sister. I hear you.

So York got his driver’s license, hopped in the car all by himself and drove back for the last couple of hours of school.

The worst part of all of this is watching your child drive away alone for the very first time. Your heart has just driven off and you are sure this child will certainly die on the road. You spend the rest of the time praying every few minutes that he will be safe and not be killed. Like really, honest-to-God praying. For the first week you will nearly cry with sadness every time your boy wants to drive somewhere, certain are you that you will never see him again.

But then a few days later you find yourself making dinner and realize you forgot to buy an avocado. So you hand your son some money and have him run to the store and it’s like angels started singing and the world is bright and wonderful now that you can make somebody else run your errands.

Just like all the other things that happen when you’re a parent and your child goes through milestones, it is bittersweet. This one is the most bitter and sweet I’ve experienced, though. It’s so great to not have to pick people up from play practice at 10:00 at night. Or drive them across town at 6:30 am for the SAT. Or to have an extra set of wheels when one kid needs to be picked up from a birthday party at the exact moment when another kid needs to be at a soccer game. This is pure bliss. But now my child has the power to inflict death, whether on himself or someone else. I mean, I guess he could have stabbed somebody before but it’s not quite the same thing as a car crash. He also has the power to say he’ll be one place and be someplace else far, far away. That could mean trouble.

This parenting job, though, is all about letting go and hoping it all turns out semi-decently. It’s hard but it’s good.

Of course I’m saying all this now but let’s see how much of a basket-case I am when we take India to college next month.

 

 

 

†Here in Texas we have the Department of Public Safety not the DMV.

*You younger people won’t get this reference. But you should. I totally remember this car commercial starring the ever-suave Ricardo Montalban. Most people remember him saying “rich Corinthian leather”, but that is erroneous. Also erroneous? The leather that Chrysler used came from New Jersey, not Corinth.