Church

When You’re Having a Hard Mother’s Day

May 13, 2012 · 4 comments

in Church, Craziness (jennie's), Feeling Sorry for Myself, Holidays, IMO

Mother’s Day is a difficult day for a lot of people: there are the people who want to be mothers but can’t; the people who have lost their mothers; people who are estranged from their mothers/daughters; mothers who mourn the death of a child; and mothers who feel like they have totally failed at their job. I swear that half the women at church don’t show up on this day. It’s just too raw. Not even to get the plant/cookie/candy bar that the men hand out after church.

Here is my humble suggestion: remember the blessings that you do have. Because there are blessings in your life. Despite some heartbreaks that seems especially bleak on Mother’s Day, there is still reason to be glad. Even if it’s just because there is a new episode of Sherlock on PBS.

In either General Conference or Oprah (pretty much the same thing) the point was made that you can’t feel both depression and gratitude at the same time. The two are mutually exclusive. So let’s all choose gratitude today. Sit down and actively think of the wonderful things in your life.

Or you can do what I do: treat this as a day to make people cater to my whims. It is the day when I can use my female-ness to get people to do my bidding. I have asked York to scrub my very dirty stovetop, had my family to make me brownies, Pecan Honeypots and buy me my favorite ice cream; and had the playroom cleaned. All with a simple, “it’s Mother’s Day; you have to do as I say.”

When you look at it that way, there’s no reason not to adore this holiday!

Madam President

April 27, 2012 · 22 comments

in Church, I'm Not So Great, Serious

I’ve been trying to do a book review but my heart just isn’t in it. Instead let me tell you about my new calling. For those who aren’t Mormon let me explain what a calling is:  In our church everything is run by volunteers. Even the pastor (called the Bishop) works for free in addition to having a regular job. We are expected to work hard because taking care of each other is what God wants. People are the Lord’s hands and we’d better help each other because that’s the whole point of life, for pete’s sake. So each job at church is called a calling. Mormons are huge fans of speaking to God and firmly believe that God speaks back. So when it’s time for a job to be filled (most callings are held for two or three years), the leaders pray about it and get an answer of who would be best for that job. It works pretty well for us.

My new calling is a doozy. I’m the Relief Society President.

I know. But I swear the church is still true!

Which means, according to Julie Beck who has been the Big Cheese in Salt Lake City for the last five years, I am responsible for every home in my ward. Repeat: every home in my ward.

Gulp.

All the needs of the women (hence their husbands and children too) are my job. Mormons have their own welfare system and the Bishop and I work together to make sure everyone is fed and clothed. And visited. I will be visiting all the women in the ward, as well as being in charge of visiting teaching (see that glossary over to the left if you don’t know what I’m talking about). Supervising/planning/executing visiting teaching is a full-time job in itself.

I’ve had this calling for not even two weeks and I spent half of that time out of state. I got home from the SNAP conference on Monday night and spent the ENTIRE Tuesday on the phone or visiting with people who needed something.

And then yesterday. Oh gosh. I won’t go into details as it’s not appropriate but our ward suffered a terrible tragedy. I called up the former Relief Society President who is on a much-needed vacation and just wailed, “helllllllppppp!” We talked for a while and she gave me a lot of good advice. And then ended with, “this is pretty much the worst thing that could happen. So from here on out things will only get better for you!”

Super.

Why am I telling you this? One, if you are a praying person please pray for me. I am not the sweet and huggy type of woman usually called to be the RS Pres. Please pray that I don’t screw this up too badly.

Secondly, I’m not sure how blogging is going to fit into all of this. My spare time will be a little iffy. Hopefully this will help me to squander my time less and I’ll actually be disciplined for once and blog more.  Maybe I’ll keep blogging and give up entirely on housecleaning. Now that’s a brilliant solution!

Either way, you can be sure I’m going to nag you a lot about being good! (Nah, I won’t. But since we’re at it, how is your 3-month supply coming along?)

Utter Neglect

August 5, 2011 · 7 comments

in Cars, Church, Craziness (jennie's), Etsy, Funny, Good Things, Making Stuff

I have been neglecting this blog very sorely. Part of it is general summer laziness; the fact that our schedule is rather–how shall I put it–fluid. I do the minimum amount of everything needed. The least amount of cooking, the least amount of cleaning, and the least amount of blogging. It’s nothing personal; just a lack of mojo.

Not helping the situation has been my computer which has been so naughty and disfunctional, but seems to be liking me once again. Sort of.

I’ve been doing some odds and ends around the house. Not cleaning or anything. Just crafty-type things (I haven’t been entirely useless. Just mostly useless). Nothing is as satisfying and therapeutic as making stuff. (Eating is a close second but there is nothing to show for that but an empty Oreos package and fat thighs.)

_________________________

Mister has very sensitive skin so I make most of our soap. Our bathroom is black, white and green so I thought making some matching soaps would be in order.

I tried two very different designs. The one on the left is a shea butter & babassu soap that has more of a funky, rustic vibe. For the life of me I can’t remember what I scented it with, but it smells fantastic. Hopefully it will be really moisturizing. I tried a new recipe but it won’t be cured for another month. I’ll let you know.

The soap on the right is glycerine and is very pretty and tailored-looking. I scented it with Vera Wang which is my favorite perfume these days. Mister probably doesn’t want to smell like Vera Wang, but I guess he’ll have to make his own soap.

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Did your mom have one of these pincushions? I use one when I sew because it’s so convenient, but this stupid thing is always falling off and the chintzy plastic band is really itchy.

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So I made an adorable wrist pincushion out of felt. I got the pattern (free!) from Heather Bailey, although I tweaked it a bit. I buy my felt online from Giant Dwarf on Etsy. Her prices are excellent (don’t use that vile stuff from the craft store. Please). My pincushion is super comfy but most importantly it’s cute!

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Also going on recently was the adult Pinewood Derby at church. Most of the couples did a car together but Mister wanted no part of my design. Wonder why?

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Tacky? Check. Girly? Double check.

My car is called “Put A Bird On It”. Which is named after the funny skit on Portlandia (I’ll link to it down below). I must say “put a bird on it” at least once a day.

Mister made his car out of a slab of chocolate-chip cookie.

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There are no holds barred at the Derby and people (men!) were adding tons of weight to the cars in between races to make them go faster. Since we didn’t think to bring pocketfulls of lead, Mister was left to improvise. Watermelon seemed like a nice, heavy choice.

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His car came in dead last, but it got the biggest laugh, which as everyone knows is more important than winning. Put a Bird On It came in second to last. But it was by far the prettiest Pinewood Derby car to ever grace the church gym.

The weather, The church and Cranberry Beef tacos.

January 20, 2011 · 8 comments

in Blogging, Church, Misc., Recipes, Yum

I have written nearly five different blog posts over the last week. Long ones. But I’m really disliking all of them so they will stay tucked away in my Drafts folder for now. You know how sometimes you want to eat something but nothing sounds good? It’s like that. But with words.

I also took some pictures. I have two cameras (well, three if you count my iphone). One fancy Nikon that makes me feel like a photography poseur every time I take it out (photography remains a puzzlement to me no matter how many books and tutorials I read.) I also have a trusty little Fuji that I still like a lot even though it’s four years old which is like four decades old in the point-and-shoot world. Most of my pictures were on that camera. And it has a dumb little connector that I must have to download pictures onto my computer. Guess where it is? Wrong! It has actually vanished into thin air. So no pictures.

Here’s what I will tell you: it has dropped 11 degrees in the last hour. I don’t like that sort of thing. It makes me edgy. Like a big storm is a-brewin’. Which it probably is.

I’m Mormon. I may mention that a lot but Mormonism is kind of different than many religions because it is NOT a Sunday-only kind of church. It takes a big time commitment. Also, we don’t have a paid clergy which means that your average Joe-blow is in charge of everything. Including the sermons on Sunday. Everybody gets a turn standing up in front of the congregation and talking about an assigned topic. Usually a husband and wife will split the duty. Also, a teenager or two will have a little mini-sermon at the beginning. One guess as to who will be speaking this Sunday. Me! And my assigned topic is fasting. Fasting! Which is not exactly my favorite thing to do. (Surprise, surprise.) My husband gives lessons every morning to the teenagers of our congregation (yes, the teenagers go to church every morning before school. See the above mention about Mormonism being a big time commitment.) He’s really good at throwing together something really thoughtful and interesting. Not me. I’m just hoping most people will zone out during my talk, which is usually what I do.

I made flour tortillas for the first time on Tuesday and not only are they really easy, but they are frighteningly good. Like, so good my kids were just eating the pile of them after we were done with our tacos. Speaking of tacos, this is one of my most favorite recipes. It requires zero cooking skill but is outstanding. People always ask for this recipe. Honestly, these are more like wraps than tacos, so call them whatever you want. They are good enough to serve to company, but easy enough to make them for your family dinner. One warning: this meat needs to spend all day in a slow cooker (aka a Crock-Pot), so plan accordingly. These feed about 4-6 people.

If I were a super blogger I would post pictures, but Pioneer Woman I am not. So you’ll just have to use your imagination.

Cranberry Beef Tacos
1 1/2 lb. beef chuck steaks (not a chuck roast. Totally different.)
1/4 cup lime juice (bottled is fine)
1/4 cup chili sauce (I had no idea what this was the first time I made these. Turns out chili sauce is a condiment near the ketchup.)
1 packet of Taco seasoning (or 2 Tbs if you use the big Costco canister)
Can of whole cranberry sauce
fresh green onions
fresh cilantr0 (must be fresh!)
tortillas (I like flour but corn is fine too)
2 cups shredded cheese (cheddar is good, but mozzarella would work in a pinch.)


Put the steak in the crockpot. Let it warm up while your making the sauce. Combine lime juice, chili sauce and taco seasoning and pour over the steak. Flip it a couple of times so the steak is slathered with sauce. Then put the lid on and turn the heat to low for 7-8 hours. If you forget to start it early in the day (which I do about half of the time), you can cook it on high for 4-5 hours. It will be fine.

When it gets closer to dinnertime, you’ll make the sauce to be served on the tacos. Many kids balk at the idea of putting sauce on things. I totally understand being a sauce-hater most of my life. But this sauce is different. It’s sweet and yummy. It makes me so mad that a couple of my kids won’t eat it that sometimes I will mix a bunch of it in with the meat just so the taste is there.

Sauce
In your blender put:
Cranberry sauce
3 green onions (cut off the roots first)
4-6 stalks of cilantro (it’s one of the rare herbs where more of the taste is in the stem than in the leaves. So just throw the whole thing in.)

Puree until smooth. (This makes A TON of sauce. You can use it as a marinade for something else later on.)

After your meat has finished cooking it will just fall apart. Use a couple of forks to shred it. (I do it while it’s still in the crockpot. Mix it up with the juices in your slow cooker and transfer it to a bowl. (If you have sauce-a-phobes, stir in about 1/4 cup of sauce at this point). Otherwise you will:

Spread a spoonful of cranberry sauce on a tortilla, top with shredded beef and some grated cheese. Roll up and swoon.

My calling: "The Ward Nag"

January 9, 2011 · 4 comments

in Church, Preparedness

Yes ma’am, we’re bringing back the Food Storage Item of the Week. Wherefore, you might ask. I wrote this for Segullah on Thursday and thought I might post it here to explain my thinking a little. It’s more of a spiritual nature since it has to do with my job at church. If you haven’t already, please read the post that follows this one.

“We need a real firecracker for this calling,” My bishop said as I sat across the desk from him. “You’d be perfect. We’d like to call you as Ward Preparedness Specialist.” Huh? Since when does Ward Preparedness Specialist requires firecrackerish skills? I could only guess that the Bishop thinks of preparedness differently than I do.

That was last year.

After about 385 days of having this calling I now understand; nobody wants to hear from the Food Storage Lady. (Except for people who already love food storage.) I feel like I’ve had to turn my monthly preparedness spiel into a vaudeville act to get people to listen.

Yes, I could be dour and pious and guilt people into preparedness with quotes like these:

“Too often we bask in our comfortable complacency and rationalize that the ravages of war, economic disaster, famine, and earthquake … cannot happen here. Those who believe this are either not acquainted with the revelations of the Lord, or they do not believe them. Those who smugly think these calamities will not happen, that they will somehow be set aside because of the righteousness of the Saints, are deceived and will rue the day they harbored such a delusion. The Lord has warned and forewarned us against a day of great tribulation and given us counsel through His servants, on how we can be prepared for these difficult times. Have we heeded His counsel?” –Ezra Taft Benson (Gen. conf. 1980)

“Noah heeded God’s command to build an ark…that they might be saved from the floodwaters. Yet there was no evidence of rain and flood. His actions were considered irrational. The sun was shining and life moved forward as usual. But time ran out. The floods came, the disobedient were drowned. When God speaks and we obey, we will always be right.” –Thomas S. Monson (Ensign , Oct.2002)

Scaring people only seems to backfire, though. It’s overwhelming and most ward members would rather rationalize that somehow they’ll be OK. When afraid, many people stick their heads in the sand and try not worry about anything. Especially not amassing food and sticking to a budget.

I’ve used threats over the past year. I very pointedly told everyone in Relief Society that I will not be sharing my food storage. Especially with them, the people who knew better and still did nothing. After all, the five Wise Virgins were not asked to share with the five Foolish Virgins. The Virgins who did not choose to prepare were left with empty lamps, an “I told you so”, and a door slammed in their faces. Which, dear Relief Society sisters, is what you’ll get from me too. So prepare! But that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?

My strategy now is that of a cheerleader. Did you know that the church isn’t really even pushing a one-year food supply anymore? That’s something to cheer about right there! They want everyone to get a three-month supply of regularly-eaten food, and a two week supply of water. (Once you’ve gotten that, then you can worry about dry pack canning and all that fun stuff.) So now food storage is about going to the grocery store, which you do anyway. You just have to buy a little extra every time you go. Isn’t that so easy? I give my ward a specific item every week to stock up on and a little pep talk about why it’s an important thing to buy. It’s a no-brainer.

Preparedness is much more than just storing food. I know that. Saving money, getting an education and learning to be self-sufficient are vitally important (Why does no one know how to sew anymore? It’s a travesty!) I just want to make sure that no sisters in my ward are in a situation where they have to watch their children starve to death because they chose to spend their money on fancy Halloween decorations or getting their nails done every week.

I guess it takes a firecracker to stand up and say that out loud.

Good girl gone bad

February 28, 2010 · 7 comments

in Bad Things, Church

I decided we were finally going to do it. Today is the day we were going to be rolling into church 45 minutes late. We are not the super-late kind of people. We might squeak in during the opening hymn, but we’re not those people who blow off all of Sacrament Meeting. Are you one of those people? We have several in our ward.

I was incredibly tired last night so I informed Mister of my plan. “I’m going to sleep in tomorrow!” I announced. “I’ve had it with 9 am church. I don’t care how late we are. We’re going to be one of those families that shows up ten minutes before it ends. I’m so excited!”

I felt positively illicit as I went to bed.

Aaaaaaand, I woke up two hours before church started. Full of vim and vigor. And three of the children were already awake.

So apparently the Lord wants me to go to church on time after all.

Sister Evangeline’s Dirty Forehead

February 17, 2010 · 8 comments

in Church, Craziness (jennie's), Holidays, I'm Not So Great

There is a low-point in everyone’s High School career and mine was Algebra 2 with Sister Evangeline.   I went to an all-girls High School at a Catholic convent despite being a life-long Mormon. About half of our teachers were nuns (who, I was disappointed to find out, did not wear habits–only skirts and very frumpy shoes.) Sister Evangeline was one of those people who had a perfectly mathematical mind and simply couldn’t understand that not everybody else had the same.  She would explain a new mathematical concept the same way over and over again.  If you didn’t get it, she would just give you the exact same explanation but in a meaner tone of voice.

Every day a few unlucky girls were chosen to put their homework problems up on the board.  Not being the kind of person who believes in homework, I never did mine.  Ever.  Instead I would copy the homework of Carla who sat behind me.  She was too sweet and softspoken to ever refuse, even though I could tell she hated to do it.  But I figured that if Carla didn’t have the gumption to say no, then I would continue to copy.  It never struck me that this was cheating (it’s only cheating if it’s a test, you know.  And I never cheated on tests. I failed miserably every time and couldn’t have cared less); copying Carla’s work was merely a more expeditious way of getting things done.

Algebra was my first period class and one particular morning Sister Vange came in with a giant blob of dirt on her forehead.  Nobody took any notice.  Nobody said a word.  I looked around the room; the other girls looked bored as ever. No one was snickering or pointing.  What in the world was going on?  How did Sister Vange get a huge smudge on her forehead at 8:00 in the morning and how could she not have noticed?  Well, if nobody was paying it any attention, then I supposed I wouldn’t either.

On the way to my next class I noticed a classmate with a smudge of dirt on her forehead.  Only it wasn’t just a blob, it was in the shape of a plus sign. Hmmmm.  The plot continued to thicken. I finally pulled one of my Catholic friends aside.  ”What is going on?” I demanded.  She gave me a bored look, “it’s Ash Wedensday, Dummy.”

Aha!  That holiday I’d seen every year in my little square Hallmark datebook! That wasn’t mud on their foreheads, it was ashes!  And it wasn’t a plus sign, it was a cross! I’m sure we had a special liturgy at school for Ash Wednesday, but like most everything about Catholicism, I never quite figured out the idea behind it.

We Mormons don’t observe the little religious holidays. Things like Epiphany and Palm Sunday just pass us right by. I guess they’re too “Catholic” or something. Or maybe the idea is that it shouldn’t take a special day to make us think of the Lord. I don’t know. But I had never come across someone observing Ash Wednesday before that day at school.

Every year on Ash Wednesday I think about Sister Evangeline, my inability to do math, and how much I enjoyed going to school at a convent despite the fact that I have never been, and have no desire to ever be, a Catholic.

So Happy Ash Wednesday, everyone, even though I still don’t know what it’s about!

Real live Mormons!

September 17, 2009 · 12 comments

in Church, Good Things

I came across a pretty funny article yesterday. It was in The Brooklyn Paper in Brooklyn, NY (which you can read here).  I doubt it meant to be as funny as it is. The article describes how a Young Adult Ward spent the morning cleaning a local park and the pretty amusing reactions of the 20-something ubercool Brooklyn residents.  The best part of the piece? This chart comparing a local hipster doofus with one of the Mormon guys. I guess the winner of the “smackdown” depends on your viewpoint.

Here there be monsters

April 6, 2009 · 9 comments

in Church

Finn:  ”York told me that there’s a  Chupacabra in the scriptures.” 

Me: “Realllllly.  I don’t recall reading that part.”
Finn: “Wait, maybe it’s a Kraken that’s in the scriptures.”   
Me: “Still not ringing a bell.”  
Finn: “A unicorn?”
Me: “Sounds like you and your brother need to go to Sunday School twice a week.”

The Church of Stop Shopping

December 3, 2008 · 3 comments

in Christmas, Church, Entertainment

I am a huge fan of documentaries and will watch just about any of them that hit our local theatres. Last year I saw one called What Would Jesus Buy. At first I thought it might be some sort of a sacreligious thing, but it was actually a fantastic movie about the crazy commercialization of Christmas. Fortunately Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping are here to rescue us (this guy is totally FOR REAL. He’s hilarious and profound at the same time.) If you have Netflix or Blockbuster online*, put this in your queue ASAP! Honestly, this made me think more than just about any movie I’ve ever seen.  Here’s the trailer for it:

*which you should because they are seriously the greatest thing ever. Not as great as TiVO, but close.

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