Mister

The Book Fair

April 17, 2012 · 15 comments

in Bad Things, Books, Funny, I'm Not So Great, Kids, Mister, School

It is time at our Elementary School for the semi-annual book fair. Which I hate. And not just because we are on a very limited budget and the last thing I want to be spending money on is the hardcover version of Super Diaper Baby. I’m just playing; Super Diaper Baby only comes in paperback. I’m serious about not liking the book fair.

I don’t get how Scholastic totally nails it with dandy cheap books in the book orders, but turns the book fair into a super deluxe full-priced book store (that they have the audacity to suggest I work at). Yeah, it’s some sort of fund raiser. I get it. At least this way we’ll have books to show for our contributions to the school and not vile cookie dough.

But this jumps to the conclusion that I want a hard-cover copy of Pinkalicious.  I don’t. I really don’t. I am extremely picky when it comes to the books my children read (my husband, not so much. Which explains why we actually own Super Diaper Baby. I made the foolish mistake of sending Jasper to the book fair with Daddy last year. And now said book is hidden because once Mister read it he was appalled that the title character actually battles a giant poop. I’m all, “Duh. What did you think it was going to be about? Tea parties?”)

There are some really great books at the book fair. I’m not knocking Scholastic. But unlike a book store or Amazon where I can pick out what I think is appropriate for my children, at the book fair they are dancing around with some sort of Poodle Princesses nonsense, begging and pleading and writhing on the floor that they will never be happy without this book.

But, as usual, I have to play mean witch stern mother and tell my kids no. “No, Ada, I just bought you two books for your birthday nine days ago.” That doesn’t matter because everybody has rich mothers who buy their children everything they want from the book fair. At least that’s what my children say. I’m so wretched I won’t even buy  the $5 Justin Bieber poster.

There is all this peer pressure to buy, buy, buy.

I am getting severely tired of this so I’ve taken matters into my own hands. Here are a couple of books that I “bought at the book fair”. I’m sure my kids will be thrilled!

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What are You Eating for Christmas Dinner?

December 24, 2011 · 12 comments

in Christmas, Family, Good Things, Mister, Yum

It’s Christmas Eve and I just finished making two Texas Sheet Cakes* to take to dinner at our friends’ house tonight. We will, of course, be eating BBQ. Because we eat BBQ for every special occasion in Texas. I can’t even recall a church dinner that didn’t feature brisket. Not that I’m complaining. It beats the boiled ham and canned corn and store-bought rolls that we ate at all the ward dinners we’ve been to in other states. Brisket is a lovely, lovely thing. I’m very looking forward to tonight.

But I digress.

We are not a Big-Meal-on-Christmas-Eve family. In my family we had our fancy meal on Christmas Day. Mister grew up in a Christmas Eve family and it’s always worked out well. We’d have a big Christmas Eve shindig with his relatives and then a big meal with my family the next day.

For many years we had a replay of Thanksgiving at Christmas with turkey and ham and all that stuff. But a few years ago we collectively decided that we aren’t huge fans of turkey and ham. We would much rather eat our family’s favorite meal: wienerschnitzel.

No. Not hot dogs.

Wien (pronounced “veen”) is the proper German way to say Vienna. Wiener means something from Vienna like, say, a sausage.  Wienerschinitzel is a very thin breaded pork or veal cutlet, and was perfected in Vienna. Usually you squeeze a lemon on top. With it we eat spaetzle (pronounced “shpets-leh”), which are a cross between noodles and dumplings. You know in the Sound of Music when they sing about schnitzel with noodles? This is what they’re singing about. I love them enough to sing about them too.

My grandmother was from Vienna and she taught my mother how to make schnitzel. And my mother taught me. So now I get the pleasure of harassing the butcher to cut my pork exactly just so. With a middle name like Hildegard I have no choice but to be a schnitzel maker.

We also will have some sort of really superb salad or side dish and that’s it. We aren’t one of those families that goes crazy with hors d’oeuvres or accompaniments like, oh I don’t know, Mister’s family. We make the few things we love and that’s that.

My family also uses the best china and silver. Mister’s does paper plates and cups. Cute plates and cups, but still not exactly “special meal” ware.

For dessert I’ll do an apple pie and maybe a chocolate pie. I normally have lots of candy in my stocking and I’d really rather eat that. But I am a good wife. And good wives make pie for their husbands who love it. And my apple pie is superb so who am I to deny it to everyone?

What does your family do for the big meal? Are you busy cooking right now or are you taking a break til tomorrow night?  Lurkers, let’s hear from you too!

Merry Christmas everyone! Happy Eating!

*I may have put the cakes out to cool on the back porch and a bird may have walked across one. And I may have covered the tracks up with extra pecans.  Or maybe not. I’ll never admit to anything.

The Magic Circle

September 28, 2011 · 7 comments

in Good Things, Mister, Videos

I am not a believer in luck. I mean, lucky things happen. But I don’t believe in it as a “force” exactly. But I do believe in the Magic Circle.  I have a Magic Circle. I was having lunch with some friends today and we started discussing what exactly the magic circle is.

The Magic Circle is good things happening in your life. It is the bread usually landing butter-side up. It is winning prizes and free trips. It is an invitation to The Universe to share its generosity and goodwill.

I don’t know whether everyone has a Magic Circle.  But I suspect a lot more people would have one if they believed they did. Mister, for example, has more of a raincloud that perpetually follows him around. “Believe in your magic circle!” I chirp, usually as he is muttering curses and sulking about something.

“There is no Magic Circle,” he says. To which I say, “You are right. If you believe you will have bad things happen, that’s what you will get.” But the Magic Circle is about believing good things will come your way: things, friends, happiness. And they do.

At least, that’s how it works in my life. Obviously there are bad things and unhappiness and regrets. I’m not talking about life in general. I’m talking about the cream on top.

Do you think there is such a thing as a Magic Circle? Are some people just lucky or unlucky?  Do good things beget more good things?  While you think about that, here is a hilarious video that Mister forwarded to me. It seems I am in good company.

 

Story Problems for Today’s Mom

June 17, 2011 · 7 comments

in Bad Things, Baking, Birthdays (everyone else's), Craziness (jennie's), Entertainment, Feeling Sorry for Myself, Funny, Mister, Pets, Texas

Good Gravy, the last few days have been crazy. When did summer get so busy? (Answer: this week.) I thought it might be easier to explain things as story problems, although I always hated them when I was in math class. Instead of figuring out the dumb problems, I always got all existential instead. Why did Jose and Sally get ten cookies and Mark only get three? Who was the dunce handing out cookies and why didn’t he do it right to begin with? And why do I care what time two trains arrive, travelling at different speeds? They get there when they get there. Sheesh.

Let’s see if I can come up with some story problems that are a little more relevant.

1. If Jennie and Mr. Jennie are celebrating their 19th anniversary, what presents do they get for each other?

A. The 19th anniversary gift is traditionally bronze.

B. Dinner and a movie at the Drafthouse theatre. That way they can eat and watch a film at the same time and thus aren’t reminded that they ran out of things to talk about seven years ago.

C. Earrings for her, Sex for him.

D. Presents??? The entire budget will be spent on Jasper’s birthday three days later. Thanks for being born two weeks early and messing up the anniversary, Jasper!

Answer: B. (Sort of.) We did go to a combo lunch/movie at the Drafthouse to see Midnight in Paris (which was excellent). But we only went there because the popcorn is so good. Mister and I still have plenty to talk about even after all this time.

2. Which of these activities can be performed in the most coma-like state?

A. Picking up mother from the airport at 11:15 pm. Because of course that’s the cheapest flight.

B. Picking up teenage daughter up from a party at midnight, the very last minute before her curfew. Apologize profusely when you realize you’ve rung the doorbell at the wrong house.

C. Tapping at Scout Leader’s door at 6:00 am to pick up son from Scout sleepover in order to get son to Cross Country running practice. No other Scouts or leaders may be disturbed or points will be deducted.

D. Taking 6 year-old back to bed because, “the sun is mixed up and it’s shining but really it’s still nighttime. So go to sleep and don’t get up until the first number on your clock is a seven.”

Answer: D. At least I think that’s how it happened. I was so tired I don’t really remember the details.

3. Name the activity least likely to be performed while trying to make Jasper’s birthday cake:

A. Giving 12 year-old a beginning hammered dulcimer lesson because Jennie “promised and swore that Thursday would be the day”. Never mind that it requires 20 minutes tuning the stupid instrument first. After wasting ten minutes looking for the tuner.

B. Cleaning up cat barf. Twice.

C. Dropping everything to go to the grocery store because there are still items Jennie forgot despite two grocery store trips earlier in the day.

D. Like it really matters. It’s so insanely hot here that the icing will melt and run down the cake, looking like something from the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant.

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Answer: B. The cat did throw up twice but I made India clean it up.

On my doorstep

April 1, 2011 · 4 comments

in Family, Good Things, Mister

My sister is my best friend. I hated and loathed her growing up, but once we hit high school and college all those petty issues (like her birth) seemed to not matter anymore. We love to hang out so I was very disappointed when she announced that she was pregnant and due right after my birthday. Meaning she would not be coming on my birthday cruise with me. She talked about coming down to Texas before she had the baby but it was just too expensive. Bummer.

Yesterday, I dropped my Mom off at the airport to fly to Portland to visit my brother and his wife (Hi Ben and Nicki!) I kind of meandered home via the General Store for some compost and lamp oil, and to the cake decorating shop for some green sanding sugar. Mister told me he was ordering pizza for dinner so it was no big deal if I wasn’t in the mood to cook. Super!

I had been home for an hour or so when the pizza man rang the doorbell. Only it wasn’t the pizza man. It was my brother-in-law. Holding pizzas. And as I sat there wondering why my brother-in-law was standing on my doorstep holding pizzas since he lives in Utah, my sister and her two kids jumped out and yelled “SURPRISE”.

UH.

I was flabbergasted.

Shocked beyond belief.

It is impossible to surprise me. I always figure it out. (Kim, remember when you kidnapped me for my 16th birthday and took me to Montreal? Yep, I knew. Sorry! It was still fun, though!) I’ve always been a sneaky person and we sneaky people can always spot a secret.

Until now.

Mister was acting funny all week but since I already had my 40th birthday plans all set, I figured what could he be planning? Turns out I got a really great gift a little bit early. (Although it is totally throwing my plans off for redecorating the girls’ bedroom this weekend. Very pregnant sisters are not terribly helpful.)And instead of getting ready for Ada’s birthday party tomorrow we kept the kids home from school and went to Sea World. But I’m certainly not complaining!

New Years Eve and the Great Christmas Trip of ’10

January 1, 2011 · 7 comments

in Christmas, Family, Funny, Mister, Presents, Vacations, Why Jennie's tired

You guys! I’m back! I didn’t want to tell you that I was going on a vacation for Christmas because I know there’s that crazy band of robbers who reads mommy blogs until they find one who says they’ll be gone then locates their house and steals everything (just kidding, Mom-in-law! This does not actually exist.) But now it’s safe to tell you that we went to Portland, Oregon to visit the extended family for Christmas (don’t worry, I’m not going to include any blurry pictures of my pajama-clad children opening presents. I like you too much for that.)

Although it was our most successful family visit to date (not once did I hiss at my husband through clenched teeth, “I cannot handle your sister for one more second!” Nor did we get in a ginormous fight where one of us seriously threatens divorce. Tempers flare around family, I’m sad to say), it was still a pain. I would not recommend taking Christmas on the road with six kids. The massive amount of luggage (clothes plus presents) was frightening (yay for Southwest and two free bags per person!) Not only that but I had to bring stockings because everyone knows those are the best part of Christmas. And you can’t have stockings without stocking holders because I’m not about to lay the stockings on the floor. So those had to come too. And then there were the gifts for the grandparents and cousins on both sides. And the birthday presents for the two cousins with December birthdays (poor, poor souls).

Let’s just say that the possibility for screwing up this Christmas was tremendous. But it was a success! I remembered everything! And Christmas was wonderful! And we got everything in eight suitcases! And I remembered to bring jackets this time (we won’t go into the Christmas of ’08 when we went to Utah sans coats. That was a fun one.)

There was a little kerfluffle when Mister told me for real this year not to buy him anything. He “doesn’t need anything” (actually, that’s true so I shouldn’t put it in quotes). So I bought him a couple of shirts and a CD (I don’t want to tell you which CD because it’s embarrassing. OK, Josh Groban. See? Embarrassing. I’m an enabler. But when I bought Josh Groban concert tickets last year I only bought one because I have my limits. And paying actual money to see Josh Groban is beyond them.) Anyhoo, I’m sure you can guess what happened Christmas morning; I had lots of wonderful presents to open up and he didn’t. And then he was pouty about it. So I had to do what all wives do when they don’t give a good present: they have to give A Good Present. A private, wifely present(s), if you catch my drift. I don’t know why it even counts since it’s not under the tree or anything. But if it gets a husband to quit complaining, it works for me.

We had a lovely flight home today and are enjoying both our our cat who just about had a nervous breakdown while we were gone, and the sinkful of dirty dishes because Mister insisted that we leave for the airport three hours early and couldn’t wait just five extra minutes for me to load the dishwasher (it’s better to just indulge his fancy for being at the airport absurdly early).

We put the kids to bed without dinner tonight (well, I consider peanuts and Sprite to be a perfectly good dinner, but they are totally spoiled and wanted something more. So selfish, right?). We’ll be spending New Year’s Eve opening all the Christmas cards that came after we left (I don’t want to throw them away already but you procrastinators leave me no choice!) and going to bed by 11 pm.

P.S. Someone please explain how sitting still in an airplane chair for several hours can be exhausting. Because I feel like I ran a marathon (OK, more like a 5K, but still.)

P.P.S. It was scientifically proven today that a Honda minivan holds twice as much luggage as a Suburban. So all you Suburban-lovers with your “SUVs are so much cooler than minivans” can suck it!

Happy New Year everyone!

The mystery called Mister

December 9, 2010 · 4 comments

in Good Things, Mister, Presents

My husband, Mr. Jennie, does not like to be blogged about. He finds the whole idea of blogging to be egotistical and embarrassing. He likes people to think we are incredibly normal and pleasant. (Then what was he thinking marrying me, you are probably wondering. He asks himself that question on a weekly basis.)

What you may not know about Mister is that he is very funny. Oh, I’m funny too, but I like to think of myself as more of the witty sort. Mister is very silly and slapstick. He tries not to let other people know how funny he is (because being funny is fundamentally embarassing), but he makes me laugh a dozen times a day.

Mister is also the most thoughtful person I have ever met. He is just a nice, sweet guy. Some women like bad boys or guys who are total jerks. Not me. I tried to find the nicest man I could. The first year we were married I told my new husband that I wanted a fancy Coach purse for Christmas. As you can imagine, we didn’t exactly have the budget for that sort of thing (but as a newlywed that detail seemed unimportant to me).

Mister is one of those unfortunate people with a December birthday and at his birthday party our first year together, his parents handed him a big fancy Nordstrom box. He promptly gave it to me and said I should open it. It was the Coach purse. He’d sacrificed his own birthday present and told his parents to get me my fancy purse instead.

I was astounded and humbled. I would never give up a birthday present! Ever.

If that touching gesture weren’t enough, each year he has given me a present on his birthday. I guess to remind me what an awesome guy I’m married to.

This year we’ve had several dozen “discussions” on how poorly I treat every laptop I’ve ever had. How I tend to “destroy” them (FYI, breaking the screen is NOT destruction. Nor is frying the hard drive). Most recently I have had some “fragility issues” with my power cord. I may or may not have broken at least six of these things during my dazzling laptop career. Mister has had it up to here with me and my broken laptop cords (it’s really not my fault they are so shoddily made!) I will now be relegated to using the kids computer, he announced last week.

Which made his gift to me for his birthday this week that much sweeter.

Our terrible secret

November 9, 2010 · 15 comments

in Bad Things, Entertainment, IMO, Mister, Texas, Wal-Mart

There is something going on in our family that I haven’t wanted to talk about. It’s been very traumatic for me and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it. But I need to be upfront. I need to get this out in the open.

My husband likes country music.







You guys, I’m from Detroit. I never met anyone who listened to country until I went to college. I always thought that the people who like it are the countriest of bumpkins. (I know this isn’t really true because the hickest people I’ve ever known all liked Heavy Metal.) It was the kind of music that everybody made fun of when I was growing up; the musical equivalent of living in a trailer. And now my husband likes it. Not just likes it but buys it! He even goes to concerts. Since I can’t bring myself to spend a lot of money on music I don’t care for, he has been taking India to concerts with him. And now she likes it! (That plan really backfired on me.) Next think you know he’s going to chew tobacco and buy a pick-up truck.





Oh wait, he did buy a pick-up truck. I thought he was just being practical.





The funny thing is that I imagine that I am embracing the “country lifestyle”. I mean, we live in Texas! By choice! And we love it! But there’s only so far I can go. You can take the girl out of Detroit, but you can’t take Detroit out of the girl, I guess. Maybe I like The Country the way it’s portrayed in movies. All the houses are darling and have pies in the windows and every town has a cute little main street. There is no mention of WalMart, double wides, or people wearing camo with every outfit.

Mister explained why he likes country music. “The lyrics are uplifting. The songs are about things I identify with like being a good person and having a family.” And then he played me some song about a dad whose little boys prays because he sees his dad praying. And it made me cry.



I sort of get it.




And then he played me a song about riding on a big green tractor.




Don’t push your luck, Mister.




House pet hierarchy

September 20, 2010 · 11 comments

in Good Things, Kids, Mister, Pets

I came back last night from my weekend in Minneapolis to find that my husband, one of the most vigilant cat haters alive, had gotten this while I was gone:

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The kids have been bugging to get a cat for ages. We already have a dog, though, which is at the top of the “desirable pet hierarchy”* But all of our older children have read the Warrior Cat series of books. Most girls (and some boys–like mine who have run out of things to read at our house) under the age of 13 have read at least a couple. These books are all about feral cats who have cheesy names like FirePaw. I don’t get it, but whatever. So cats have been a big deal around here for quite some time. And I’ll admit that I like cats better than dogs. Cats are so pleasantly self-sufficient. They aren’t desperate for love and attention like pathetic dogs. But Mister, well, he hates cats. We had a cat ten years ago who was pure evil and that really spoiled it for us.

But Mister was at a garage sale on Saturday and they had a box of free kittens and, well, now we have one. She’s very teensy and she likes to play with toothbrushes.

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The family held off naming the cat until I got home, knowing that I am super picky about names. I was thinking of Mabel, Polly or Jemima, which the kids all made gagging sounds about. These were each child’s top picks for names:

Arabella: Ginger, Tillie, Flora

India: Boo, Millie, Katniss

York: Jango Fett, Salacious Crumb, Droopy McCool (those are all Star Wars characters, for all of you not showered with Star Wars trivia 24 hours a day like me).

Finn: Bono, Mistress Evil, Chuck Norris, Slopkin

I finally got out the baby name book and we went through just about every girl name until we found one we didn’t all hate.

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*the bottom spot belongs, of course, to beta fish. They don’t even get a cute fishtank. Goldfish are slightly better. Lizards and frogs are a step up. Birds are much more desirable than amphibians. All the top spots belonging to furry animals. There is a grey area for cute but somewhat unfriendly animals like rabbits and chinchillas. Cats are in second place. Dogs are the creme de la creme. If you get a dog you have made it as a kid. There should be no more pleas for another pet once you’ve got a dog. You might think that a pony would be on the top, but you would be wrong. Although most kids want a pony in theory, in actuality they are smelly, slightly scary and you either have to drive or walk a long way to visit it.

Wedding Bells

June 13, 2010 · 15 comments

in Mister, Photos of Jennie

It’s a funny idea about the wedding bells. Who has those anymore? I didn’t. But I did wear a white dress and eat cake. And that all happened exactly 18 years ago today.

Eighteen years is a long time. It’s been mostly good. Hopefully we’ll be together for another eighteen more (hopefully even more than that.)

Love you, Mister!

P.S. If you’re wondering what the proper gift is for the 18th year, it’s an iphone (that’s what it says on my Hallmark calendar. Really!) I’ll be preordering mine tomorrow. I’m so desperate for it that I will be picking it up in Salt Lake shortly after my arrival there on the 24th. If you happen to see a middle-aged brunette woman quivering with joy at the Apple store in SLC, that will be me!

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