School

The Book Fair

April 17, 2012 · 15 comments

in Bad Things, Books, Funny, I'm Not So Great, Kids, Mister, School

It is time at our Elementary School for the semi-annual book fair. Which I hate. And not just because we are on a very limited budget and the last thing I want to be spending money on is the hardcover version of Super Diaper Baby. I’m just playing; Super Diaper Baby only comes in paperback. I’m serious about not liking the book fair.

I don’t get how Scholastic totally nails it with dandy cheap books in the book orders, but turns the book fair into a super deluxe full-priced book store (that they have the audacity to suggest I work at). Yeah, it’s some sort of fund raiser. I get it. At least this way we’ll have books to show for our contributions to the school and not vile cookie dough.

But this jumps to the conclusion that I want a hard-cover copy of Pinkalicious.  I don’t. I really don’t. I am extremely picky when it comes to the books my children read (my husband, not so much. Which explains why we actually own Super Diaper Baby. I made the foolish mistake of sending Jasper to the book fair with Daddy last year. And now said book is hidden because once Mister read it he was appalled that the title character actually battles a giant poop. I’m all, “Duh. What did you think it was going to be about? Tea parties?”)

There are some really great books at the book fair. I’m not knocking Scholastic. But unlike a book store or Amazon where I can pick out what I think is appropriate for my children, at the book fair they are dancing around with some sort of Poodle Princesses nonsense, begging and pleading and writhing on the floor that they will never be happy without this book.

But, as usual, I have to play mean witch stern mother and tell my kids no. “No, Ada, I just bought you two books for your birthday nine days ago.” That doesn’t matter because everybody has rich mothers who buy their children everything they want from the book fair. At least that’s what my children say. I’m so wretched I won’t even buy  the $5 Justin Bieber poster.

There is all this peer pressure to buy, buy, buy.

I am getting severely tired of this so I’ve taken matters into my own hands. Here are a couple of books that I “bought at the book fair”. I’m sure my kids will be thrilled!

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How to Keep Your Kids Off Drugs

October 27, 2011 · 12 comments

in Bad Things, Craziness (jennie's), Kids, School

As a mother of six it’s one of my great fears that at least one of my children will end up as a drug addict. We already have more than one extended family member in recovery and it’s really a path I don’t want to go down.

So I’m always super excited for the most hyped drug prevention program in our school district. Yep, I’m talking about Red Ribbon Week.

Let me explain: did you know that putting red ribbons around your school will prevent your child from ever trying or getting addicted to drugs? It’s true! Bet you didn’t know it was that simple!  Other things that will help your child never take drugs:

Having crazy hair/socks

Wearing a hat/slippers/pajamas to school

Dressing like a cowboy/lumberjack/nerd (which in our family means dressing like normal)

Wearing your favorite sports team’s jersey (that would explain the low drug incidence in poor areas where kids always wear team jerseys.)

Seriously. Seriously? Seriously!

What the hell is the point of Red Ribbon Week? Are we being taught this week how to help our kids make wise decisions regarding drugs? Have the kids been given any real tools to resist drugs? Have parents been given any strategies to keep our kids drug-free?

Nope.

Can’t we just admit that we would like an excuse to be silly at school especially since they don’t want kids to wear Halloween costumes anymore?

Instead the kids are given cheesy slogans (“put a cap on drugs!”) and told to wear a hat to school. As if that will make any impact on your 14-year-old who is given a joint while he’s hanging out with friends at the park. Is he really supposed to think, “gosh, I wore those crazy sock in 3rd grade. There’s no way I’m going to smoke that stuff now!”

I have no problem with my kids wearing Hawaiian shirts to school. It is fine with me. (Unless, of course, I have to go buy Hawaiian shirts for everyone.)  I can spend twenty minutes doing a crazy hairstyle once a year.  No big deal. But the whole tie-in with keeping kids off drugs?

Lame, lame, lame.

 

Judging by the size of his Sombrero, Jasper will be drug-free for life!

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Waterboarding, Reading Logs and Other Forms of Torture

September 21, 2011 · 15 comments

in Bad Things, Kids, School

JHW.JHW.JHW.JHW.JHW.JHW

Those are my initials. I must write them a dozen times a day. Between signing planners, permission slips, and various pieces of paper sent home from various schools, I feel like I need a rubber stamp.  Nothing, though, gives me fits like reading logs. You know what those are if you have kids. They are idiotic papers that must be filled out every night stating which book you read with your child, how long, and then–of course–your initials.

I read with my children every single night. There is no way I could get away with not reading to them. At the merest suggestion of not reading a book there are wild protestations and much writhing on the ground. So it’s getting done. Which is the entire point of doing a reading log.  But by the end of the day I have had it. If I don’t kill anyone by 9 pm my day has been a success. After driving eighty places, making snacks, making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, bossing kids about chores, helping with homework, fixing the printer because it’s freaking out again, brushing teeth and breaking up fights about whose turn it is for the wii/trampoline/computer/playing with the cat, I’m done. Done, done, done.  I am not getting out a bunch of folders and filling out author’s names and how many minutes we read.

I finally went to the first grade teacher and said, “I’m sorry but I’m not doing the reading log anymore. I hope this won’t affect Ada’s grade but it’s just not happening. It’s the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back.”

The poor, sweet teacher barely knew what to say. It’s not every day that a parent just comes right out and says no to your face.

She claimed to understand.

“Oh, Mrs. W?” she said as I was turning to walk out the door. “Don’t forget to initial her homework binder and this week’s form saying you saw all of the class announcements.”

I wonder if she heard me shrieking as I ran from the school.

May 31, 2011 · 7 comments

in Kids, School

I have barely posted anything over the past two weeks. As I mentioned earlier, it’s been a bit busy around here. This is the last week of school and I am both excited (no more early mornings!) and dreading it (Ada and Arabella were driving me insane this morning and I almost chucked them out the door by their feet. I cannot take three more months of complaining/tattling/teasing!)

But on a happier note, we are getting back in the groove of doing this every day:

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Hooray for pools!

It’s May–the month that kills.

May 19, 2011 · 13 comments

in Bad Things, Craziness (jennie's), Feeling Sorry for Myself, I'm Not So Great, School, Why Jennie's tired

This is the end of May. Like you didn’t know that. But May is brutal. It is busybusybusy. Much like December, but without being pine-scented. There is the end-of-the-schoolyear everything: Concerts, tournaments, dinners, awards assemblies, concerts, graduations. And teacher gifts. Let’s not forget the angst those cause.

Thursday (probably today by the time you read this) is when the ugliness is expected to come to a head.* Mister and I have four events we simply MUST attend. I will be shirking Preschool Graduation (good thing it’s held at a mega-church so Jasper will never know that Grandma was the only who came).

I kind of waffled about my Bollywood dance class. But we’re learning new choreography and I’ll be totally lost the next time an Indian musical number comes up in my life (Ok, so that will never happen. But a girl should be prepared!)

There’s also the mandatory meeting for next year’s High School track team. That would include York along with his mother. Any time I hear the word “mandatory” I know what they really mean is “boring” and “talking a lot”. Especially about my favorite topic, parental involvement.

Mister has a bunch of important meetings he can’t get out of (of course). So I’m flying solo.

Because I’m a dummy I also scheduled dentist appointments for all the kids this week (the kind where they all get fillings), an Ortho consult for Arabella ($3000 for phase one, thankyouverymuch), York at the eye doctor (he might be our first child to get glasses although he swears the constant squinting is not because he can’t see).

Additionally Clover will be getting his balls cut off this next week. I hope that means he’ll be spending less time meowing at the back door, begging for some free time to spend with his ladyfriends. He’s driving me batty. In a possibly related topic, York’s best friend’s cat is pregnant.

We’ve already had our last baseball game/band concert/choir awards banquet. Now we only have two Choir concerts/Kindergarten graduation/Field Day (oh, would I mind bringing a cooler full of water balloons? And the kids are supposed to wear water shoes. Which nobody has.)

I almost forgot that it was Arabella’s birthday on Monday! She turned ten. And because she is the poor middle child that gets picked on by everyone including her 6 year-old sister, I tend to overdo it on her birthday. It soothes my mother’s guilt. You want homemade muffins for breakfast at 6:30 am? OK! Homemade truffles for your entire class? No problemo! Two kinds of pie instead of a birthday cake? Uhhh, I guess so. And you want me to bring you a toasted turkey sandwich from your favorite restaurant that’s fifteen minutes away and sit in your school lunchroom and eat it with you? Gulp. All right. Let’s just say that I haven’t wanted to set foot in the kitchen since then. I’m still cleaning out dirty mixing bowls. That might also explain the nasty fruit fly invasion that’s going on. All the more reason to not go near the kitchen.

Guess what I’ll be doing the entire first week of June? Staying in bed. I plan on catching up on all those books I haven’t read while my kids eat nothing but cereal and Hot Pockets.

Anybody else ready to self-destruct this month?

*I was pretty peeved to find that the world will be ending on the 21st. Couldn’t it have been earlier this month when I was still in a good mood?

Cake in a Jar

May 5, 2011 · 33 comments

in Baking, Presents, Recipes, School, Why Jennie's tired, Yum

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It’s Teacher Appreciation Week! In the past some Room Moms have turned it into more of a Parent Extortion Week with requests for gift cards and hardcover books, but this year we’re keeping it simple. My kids will be doing thank you notes and these lovelies: Red Velvet cake in a jar. Yes, the cake is baked in a mason jar. And eaten from a mason jar. It’s such a cute, fun idea. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it’s super easy. But it’s not too bad; it’s worth it. Plus these are unique and homemade and that’s my favorite kind of gift to give.

Step 1: Decide on your cake flavor. I made these for five different teachers. One hates chocolate. So I decided on Red Velvet with cream cheese frosting. For the other four teachers I also added a layer of homemade hot fudge. I usually do from-scratch cakes but I decided to make it easy on myself and did a doctored red velvet (recipe at the very end, if you are interested). Whatever recipe you use, please for the love of everything holy, make the frosting from scratch. Frosting is not hard to make and when it’s being put in a jar, the consistency doesn’t even matter. Frosting from a can is horrendous. There is no circumstance I can imagine where I would ever use it. I will get off my high horse now. But I’m serious.

Step 2: You will need glass canning jars. They can be whatever size you like but they must be wide-mouthed (that means they are straight up and down. Don’t even bother using traditional jars with the smaller mouths. They don’t work too well.) I chose pint-sized. I got five cakes out of one batch of cake batter. The half-pint sizes are nice too but are more of a single cupcake size. You’ll get more cakes out of one recipe, though, so think about what your needs are. (This picture shows all three kids of wide-mouth jars compared to a Coke can so you get a sense of size). If you live in Texas, H.E.B. has all three kinds of jars. They’re sold in a box of a dozen for about $7-10.

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Step 3: The most important step. Grease those jars! You are going to be hating life if you don’t.

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Step 4: Make your cake batter and fill each jar halfway. Bake at 350º for 25-30 minutes for a pint jar (no, they won’t break! Set them on a shelf in the middle of the oven and they’ll bake just fine). A great thing to use for a tester is a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Some people on the internet recommend baking cakes in a jar in the microwave. Actually they don’t taste that bad but the texture is really spongy. They do cook in about 90 seconds but they make the most hideous mess; the batter puffs up and then leaks all over the outside of the jar. It’s better to just bake them in the oven. It saves time in the long run.

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Step 5: Remove cakes from the oven and let them cool completely. As they cool they’ll shrink a little bit and if you’ve greased your jars well, they’ll pop right out. While the cakes are cooling, make your frosting. Again, frosting is not hard to make; no excuses (recipe at the end). Once the cakes have cooled, cut off the weird end. (You should probably eat it as a reward for being so selfless by making nice gifts for people.) Cut the rest into two (or more) sections.

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Step 6: You’ll want your jars to be nice and clean. Either wash them or get out a few more from the case that are already clean. Either way, place a piece of cake at the bottom. Top with some frosting. I suggest putting your frosting in a ziploc bag and snipping off the corner. It’s a lot neater and easier to fill up the jars this way instead of using a spoon. (I’ll leave the amounts up to your discretion.) Repeat again. If you happen to have some matching sprinkles, add some to the top frosting layer before you put on the lid.

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Step 7: If you’ve completely screwed your jars up and they look terrible, don’t worry. Now is the time to pretty things up. Ribbons and bows cover a multitude of sins.

I wanted these jars to have a summery feel since it’s the end of the school year. I printed up some paper labels, cut them with a fancy punch, and ran them through my Xyron Create-a-Sticker.

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There were some cute and semi-flat daisies that I found in the scrapbooking section of Hobby Lobby (they have wires on the back to attach easily to things). Adding a spoon is a nice touch, too, especially so the recipient can bust open the jar and eat their cake immediately.

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Red Velvet Cake recipe:

1 box white cake mix (“pudding in the mix” variety)
2 Tbs. cocoa
3 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 tsp. vanilla
1 whole bottle of red food coloring (1/3 jar of paste or gel coloring)

Mix all the ingredients together on med-high for two minutes, scraping the bowl as needed. Grease jars well. Bake at 350º til tester comes out clean. Cool completely before removing from jars.

Cream Cheese Icing:

1 stick butter (1/2 cup), softened
1 8 oz. pack of cream cheese, softened
2 cups powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
pinch of salt

Beat butter and sugar until fluffy (about 2 minutes. It will be very dry and then suddenly will come together.) Add cream cheese then beat another 30-45 seconds. Beat in vanilla and salt.

A long history of my procrastination

November 3, 2010 · 8 comments

in Bad Things, Craziness (jennie's), I'm Not So Great, Photos of Jennie, School

I may have mentioned one or two hundred times that I am lazy and a procrastinator (granted I have six children and like to make food from scratch, so my amount of laziness is not exactly rock-bottom, but I do have a real fondness for sitting around and wasting time.) I have always been this way.

People tend not to believe me when I say this. Especially when I remark about how I always got bad grades. (Bad grades being the natural byproduct of laziness and procrastination.) I’ve always been kind of nerdy and nerds get good grades, right? (Wrong!) Plus–let’s just admit this up front–I’m pretty smart. Smart kids are supposed to do well in school.

Here I am at age 11 (I’m the brunette. Try not to be jealous of the monogrammed sweatsuit):

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I took an IQ test that year and got an outrageously fantastic score. So impressive that I’m afraid to take another IQ test because most likely the first one was wrong. I so love mulling that genius number around in my head.

Which makes the following report card from 5th grade that much more awful:

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In case you can’t read my teacher’s flowery handwriting she says, “I’m disappointed that I found no way to motivate Jennie into getting her assignments in on time or at all. When she decides to stop playing games she will do very well. She has fine capabilities.” Sorry for all the passive-agression, Mrs. Alder. You were the unfortunate bystander when it came to a battle of will between me and my mother. That procrastination didn’t come from nowhere!

I also had a fondness for writing letters to myself.
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But lest you think that I was a complete flop in school, I do have this to show for myself:

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Who cares about getting things done when I’ve got wackiness on my side?

A modest proposal (or Pie not Pi)

September 30, 2010 · 14 comments

in Craziness (jennie's), IMO, School

I’ve already admitted that I’m a mathist and that I hate all things number-related. Now that my children are getting older and bringing home more complex math assignments, it’s getting harder for me to respond to their whines of “why do we have to dooo thiiiiis?” At least when they were learning their times tables I could honestly say that they would use them when they grew up. But long division? (hello calculator!) The volume of a cone? (if you ever need to fill up a cone, just fill it up and when it’s full, then you know how much was needed. Why complicate things with math? Just be practical.) And my most hated foe, algebra (letters do not belong in math!)

I had to admit the truth to Finn yesterday. “You won’t use this stuff. Ever. All you need to know about math is how much something costs on sale* and how much to pay your babysitter.” (I happen to know my son is not destined for a career requiring math. It’s just not in the cards for that boy.)

Here is what I know about society. There are a lot of people who don’t know how to cook. Just look at all the fast food and restaurants. And frozen food. It’s not all because people are in a hurry. I’m shocked at how many friends I have that claim they can’t cook and bake; that they never learned how.

Let’s think about this:

1. Every person on this planet eats (some more than others. What? Why are you pointing at me?) Most people eat many times a day.

2. There is a huge problem with obesity, which is especially worrisome in children. It’s easier to become overweight by eating convenience foods than by eating homemade food (unless people spend a lot of time making cookies. Why are you pointing at me again???) But how are you supposed to make homemade food if you don’t know how, and the very thought is completely intimidating?

3. Everyone admires a good cook. Who admires somebody who is good at math? We all just think of them as nerdy.

So my idea is to start a movement to replace high school math with cooking. At least for a couple of years. Way more useful that equations and parabolas. It makes so much sense to teach people to feed themselves and the people they love. Good cooking skills can make a difference to generations of people.

I’m kind of joking, but kind of serious too.

Up with cooking! Down with math! Who’s with me?
Pie not pi!


*although if you shop at Kohl’s they have handy little signs telling you how much something costs once the discount is applied. We math-disabled people appreciated this kind gesture.

Dear old golden rule days

August 23, 2010 · 10 comments

in Kids, School

I’m back from the Grand Utah Adventure. It was loads of fun but more important things are upon us–namely that today is the first day of school. I was sad for about five minutes. Three of my children are starting new schools (Ada starts kindergarten, Finn starts Middle School and India starts High school) and we were out of town for all their orientations. Which means I have three kids who were all a bit nervous this morning. India really wanted me to drop her off at the front door because, like me, she has a chronic fear of getting lost (and we all remember how big High School seemed, right?) Sadly my car was running on fumes today and there was no way I was going to make it through the High School drop off without running out of gas. Sorry India! And York and Finn, all of whom I dropped off on the sidewalk in front of their schools.

I walked the little girls to school, pushing all their school supplies in a stroller (hey, all those baby wipes and composition notebooks are heavy!) I’m still getting used to the Texas humidity after that thin, dry mountain air and I had sweat pouring down my back by the time we got to school. I’ve lived here long enough to not really care, though.

Jasper starts preschool on Wednesday. That brings the grand total of schools my children are attending this year to four. I’m not particularly excited about this since we’re too close to the schools to take buses. And I don’t make my kids ride bikes if it’s going to be above 95º (see what a nice mom I am?) So it looks like I’ll be driving all over town. Yuck. But it’s a small price to pay for the peace and quiet.

A small price indeed. Now only one question remains: where shall I go to lunch with my one child? We need to celebrate!

The school year draws to a close

May 25, 2010 · 8 comments

in Bad Things, Craziness (jennie's), Kids, School

Can you believe that school is almost over and I haven’t complained once about all the silly end-of-school activities that are happening? Welp, here it comes. Basically the last two weeks are nothing but fun times. The kids stop learning ten days before school ends because, hey, why not? Who needs to learn anything? So now we have Field Day (also knows as the festival of water. Which I can’t blame them for since it’s been in the 90′s all week), Campout Day (bring a tent! Bring a blanket! Spread lice to all your friends!), Park Day (not to be confused with Field Day), and scores of Field Trips. This all culminates with the mother of all dumb and boring events: Fifth Grade Graduation. I don’t even know why this is celebrated. It’s not like there are any kids who don’t graduate from fifth grade. It’s about as meaningful as having an awards ceremony for kids who are over four feet tall.

The most dreadful part of the graduation ceremony is the world longest slide show. There are hundreds of pictures of fifth graders doing two things: the girls are all hugging each other and the boys are all making weird faces. I don’t know who 75% of these kids are! When I went to York’s graduation I left after 40 minutes of the slide show.

I was talking to the PTA President a few weeks ago. She’s a good friend of mine and was complaining how no parents are signing up to help with the activities. “People don’t realize that if nobody signs up to help, we’ll have to cancel the event!” she wailed. My gears started turning and I told her that I for sure will not be signing up to help at 5th Grade Graduation. “nice try, Jennie,” she answered. “We’ll never cancel that.”

Drat.

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